Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

After months of tireless searching, a stroke of good luck has brought SFU our next school president. In a move to return to its radical eat-the-rich roots, SFU will be replacing Andrew Petter in the fall of 2020 with Canadian-brand Meghan Markle. 

“Well, it’s like I said that one time: ‘Be able to delegate, because there are some things that you just can’t do by yourself,’” reminisces Canadian-brand Markle. “And SFU definitely can’t function by itself. Just look at all the leaking tiles.”

Though Meghan Markle has an extensive professional history, Canadian-brand Meghan Markle is a different story. She is a life chapter so new that she might not even satisfy Locke’s psychological criterion of personal identity. Despite this, she has continued the old Meghan Markle’s legacy of kindness and philanthropy. Most recently, she dug a missing fourth year out of the dirty snowbanks beside the lower bus loop, all with her bare hands, and paid all his deferred residences fees out of pocket.

This career development comes quickly after the ex-royal’s pledge to become “financially independent” from the royal family. However, Canadian-brand Markle notes, most of her presidential pay cheque will cover the cost of being married to Canadian-brand Prince Harry, who has just enrolled at SFU as an undergrad.

Canadian-brand Harry has also expressed interest in running for the role of SFSS at-large representative later this semester.

“It only makes sense,” he told The Peak. “By then, I’ll have more lived experience than anyone when it comes to being at large.”

Canadian-brand Baby Archie is slated to replace Sylvia Ceacero as SFSS Executive Director. Some SFSS directors have raised concerns that he is too young right now to take command of the organization. Luckily for them, his term isn’t effective until the semester the SUB is completed.