Written by Jennifer Low, Peak Associate
Whatever happened to that bright, shiny new-decade glow? SFU students have come to point out that the wool cannot be pulled over their eyes any longer. The arrival of 2020 did not come with liberation, self-reinvention, or fresh starts. Instead, students lie awake at night facing the same old troubles: a cringeworthy mental gag reel of past embarrassments, the realization that they’ve set totally unrealistic goals, and the reality that absolutely nothing has changed since last year.
In short, it may only be January, but students have already begun to feel ripped off by the new 20s. On Monday, students gathered outside the unfinished Student Union Building to protest the decade.
Most students gathered in a circle, wildly waving their arms and screaming their grievances. Like an unruly Twitter thread, students’ opinions rang out loud and uninhibited throughout Convocation Mall. One student even performed the popular 2012 “Gangnam Style” dance to demonstrate through art his desire to return to the 2010s.
Several other students were seen roasting their 2020 calendars and lists of New Year’s resolutions over SFU’s fire pits, a visual demonstration of their own unresolved feelings of burnout. Fuel for the fire included gym attire, annotated class syllabuses, novels, learner driver’s manuals, vegan cookbooks, diet plans, unsent resumes, bathroom scales, and gardening tools.
“This is not what I was promised!” an emotional student exclaimed as he raised a Mandalorian themed sign stating “2020, this is NOT the way. I have spoken!” An image on the poster likened the student’s 2020 experience to Baby Yoda being punched by a Stormtrooper.
Searching for her first-year in the crowd, a helicopter parent took a moment to voice her concern that 2020 gives students an excuse to engage in certain distasteful behaviours.
“It’s bad enough that in 2020, it will be 4/20 for an entire month,” said Thea Helicopter. “But Facebook is telling me that children believe that 2020 means they should ‘party like Gatsby’ from 2020 to 2029! I don’t even know who this Gatsby is! He’s probably some YouTuber! Why can’t children sit inside and read a good book anymore?”
In a mass email to the student body, SFU advised all angry students to pay an additional fee to download SFU’s newest app, SFUdankvault, a combined hub for dank memes and anonymous confessions. Advanced AI chatbots will be regularly active on the app, liking and commenting on posts, to make students feel heard and address all of their concerns.