Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Your reputation of blood, guts, and rage follows you everywhere. What you need this week is a publicity stunt to change your image. Head off to the fire pits in Convocation Mall, marshmallow skewer in hand, for some wholesome campfire-side roasting. No one needs to know that the pillowy, weirdly shaped white things you’re toasting are your cheating partner’s fascinating family jewels.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
Four years ago, your TA promised they would leave comments on your final paper after sending you the mark. This could be the week to finally go to their office hours and talk to them. Or you could just keep waiting. (Need encouragement? There’s an 8% chance your TA is also a Taurus. This would then mean a 97% chance that they are still at SFU, as opposed to the 93% that all the other students have.)
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Your future is full of possibilities — too many for me to decipher. You need a more versatile divining tool. Tarot isn’t enough. So go to the gaming shop, build a deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards focused on the “Gemini” subtype of monsters, and get dueling. This will narrow down your future-sight by destroying most of your possible futures. Not only will most employers judge you for playing a children’s card game, but Gemini cards suck ass.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
Don’t go to any parties this week. No, I don’t care if there will be Miss Vickie’s Salt and Vinegar Chips. You can only say the phrase “this has been the most revolting night of my entire existence” about so many nights before everyone stops believing you. And if 2019 was any indication? You really need to save up your credit for next summer’s spread of disappointing soirees.
Leo — July 23–August 22
For years, all of the other astrology signs have been dissociating. But this week is your time to trailblaze and re-sociate. Feel everything. Experience reality. Go to Fall Kickoff. Attach your consciousness to yourself and your surroundings like Lena Dunham trying to cling to relevance — except better, because you don’t deserve to be compared to Lena Dunham.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Your professor might confront you this week about why you aren’t doing the readings he so lovingly wrote and charged $100 a copy for. Tell him that he and his class are exactly the disease your mother had in mind 17+ years ago when she Googled “how to do vaginal seeding for my infant.”
Libra — September 23–October 22
Pay attention to your pH balance this week. Feeling too acidic or alkali? Dilute yourself by staying hydrated. The healthiest fluid for you would be the rivers of gutter-adjacent water that will flow in front of SFU Goldcorp when it inevitably downpours. It will enrich your spirit.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
This week’s despair will come from the knowledge that you have to wait for #LIBRASZN to pass before we get to #SCORPSZN. But cheer up. Does #LIBRASZN really have to happen if all the Libras mysteriously drop dead ahead of time from water contamination?
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
This week you might learn that an old flame has just flown out to Toronto to start grad school. Who cares? They’ll die first when Parliament Hill finally bursts under the weight of Canadian politics’ many, many elephants in the room, scattering burning oily shrapnel all across Ontario.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
Your group-mates for The Group Project want to wait until four weeks before your presentation week to start working on it. Don’t let weakness win. Finish the entire assignment by yourself this week. Afterwards, you could confront the TA about your problems. Or you could keep it simple and do what you always do: cry impotently to your friends about this while they’re in the middle of crying impotently to you about something way less important.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Lucky you: you expended all your emotions for the month last week! So you don’t have any vulnerabilities to exploit. At least, not ones you’ll notice before October.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
A choice lies before you this week. Once and for all, what kind of Friday night wine aficionado will you be? The kind who projects your voice, or the kind who projects your psychological complexes?
