Written by: Kitty Cheung, Staff Writer & Zoe Vedova, Humour Editor
BURNABY, B.C. — After announcing his intent to step down from presidency in December 2018, SFU president Andrew Petter, 66, became unable to vacate his position after becoming trapped in the construction labyrinth that is Burnaby campus. Having slated Petter to remain president until August 2020, the university is now at a loss.
University administration confirms that for the last 39 days, Petter has been stuck in the mess of blue fencing, massive tarps, and cumbersome construction scaffolding that his own school commissioned. As students cross through campus on their way to class, one can listen closely to hear Petter’s howls of despair mixed into the cacophony of construction clamour as he attempts to escape the construction maze.
According to local satyr Robert Engaginghoof, 201, Petter was last seen exhausted and dehydrated, briefcase in hand as he dodged orange pylons and scrambled across cardboard flooring in Convocation Mall. The Order of Canada honouree had supposedly been running away from the monstrous creatures who reside within the labyrinth: construction workers, irritated undergraduates, and apathetic security guards.
“A narrow escape,” comments Engaginghoof as he munches on what The Peak has identified as Petter’s term contract. “His briefcase pretty much exploded as he ran away. It was such a flurry of paperwork — makes for a great snack.”
Confused harpy Heather Plumage, 138, alleges that she has actually been in contact with the ill-fated ex-SFU president. “We were both competing with the local raccoons for any small prey lurking in the shadows,” she states. “Despite the fact he could reasonably enter the Maggie Benson Centre for a bubble waffle, they seem to be his only sustenance.”
When asked about the former MLA’s psychological state, Plumage replies, “Ugh, he kept going on and on about the terrifying drone of a jackhammer coming ever closer, saying he can’t escape blah blah how he’ll be stuck here forever yada yada.” After a rustling of feathers and an audible sigh, Plumage continues, “It was so inconvenient for the hunt. He kept scaring off the high school tour groups.”
On the one-month anniversary of the day Petter fell into the construction trap, a vigil was held. Petter’s family and close colleagues read excerpts from his book, The Politics of the Charter: The Illusive Promise of Constitutional Rights and hoped for his safe return, despite him being no more than 17 metres from where they stood. Candles were lit as more scaffolding was set up among the tarps surrounding the AQ pond.
An extraction team of youngblood demigods have been commissioned to search the construction maze. The Peak has received an audio recording from the team, on which can be heard the sound of deafening drills interspersed with what has been identified as Petter screaming, “OH GOD WHY DID I SIGN OFF ON THIS? MY OWN HUBRIS HAS LED ME HERE!” A snippet of this audio is now available as the jingle to the new Peak Speaks podcast, created in collaboration with CJSF 90.1FM.
With the demigod team’s most recent reports, however, The Peak can conclude that Petter has since opted out of his esteemed position in the New Democratic Party to become a construction minotaur.