By: Hannah Davis

Does anyone else think it strange that Simon Fraser University is placed right on the top of a mountain? Do you know what mountains are for? They are for climbing, not learning. They are also for staring at, from a distance, while wondering how many bears and cougars live on them. Most importantly, mountains are for skiing.

None of this involves learning. That is why I know that SFU is not a university at all, but a future ski resort, and we, the “students,” are its future staff.

On a cold and snowy day one upcoming winter, there will be a reunion of every SFU student ever. At this reunion, SFU’s president will announce the closure of SFU: Simon Fraser University and announce the opening of UFS: Unbelievable Fun Skiing Resort.

Each part of the university will undergo a makeover to become more hospitable: the residency will turn into hotel rooms, the gym will turn into a ski and snowboard training centre, and the library will become a six-floor equipment rental and repair shop.

They will then announce the true significance of the diplomas that each student received when they graduated. On the back of the diploma, in tiny invisible ink, is a clause stating that in receiving their degree and graduating, all grads are actually agreeing to be a lifelong employee of the future UFS.

The first announcement will be met with confused claps, while the second announcement will be met with screaming and pandemonium. As people try to escape the mountain, we learn that the fake university knew all along that transportation to and from the mountain would be cancelled when the weather got a little snowy, and that students would be stranded on the icy peak.

While ex-students wander bewildered in the ever-falling snow, trying to think of an exit plan, the professors will reveal their true identities as various professional skiers with a passion for hospitality. They will explain one by one that it was their dream to open a luxury ski resort with a team of staff that are unable to quit. With the students trapped on the mountain, they’ll hand everyone their staff uniform, which the new staff will have to pay for, reminiscent of when they graduated and had to pay to rent their gown.

You know the new “student centre” building thing the Simon Fraser Student Society is building that no one cares about? That is going to be the hotel lobby combined with a luxury restaurant. And all the construction on campus? They are really making add-ons for the resort, as well as upgrading existing structures, not for us but for the future guests.

As you probably do not know, SFU actually stands for the Ski Forever Union, a secret group of people wishing to become the largest ski-resort chain in British Columbia and maybe even the world. Their motto is “Ski Forever,” which is both alarming and threatening, because it sounds like a command as well as a bad tattoo. You may think that this theory has no evidence to support it, but think about it. Why else would they build a school on something as inaccessible as a mountain, if not to trap us on it one day?