ARIES

This is the week to give into bad impulses, Aries. You should message your ex. You should eat all the delicious lactose-filled desserts even though you’re outrageously lactose intolerant. Violent diarrhea is a small price to pay for all the hollow joys of giving in.    

TAURUS

Sobriety has been affecting you in many positive ways recently, Taurus.  Celebrate this week with drinks.

GEMINI

This week is all about the small joys, Gemini. Spend your time committing petty theft, or speeding on the highway.

CANCER

You’ve been lonely for a while now, Cancer, and it’s not going to change this week. You should download Tinder again, and stop claiming that you were done with it. No one is done with Tinder.

LEO

Stick to your guns this week, Leo. Especially when you’re wrong; just keep being a stubborn asshole. Things will probably work out.

VIRGO

Do you remember last week when that asshole wronged you and you took the high road? You did a good job, Virgo. In fact, you did such a good job taking the high road that you’ve earned a little low road time. Devote yourself to being a complete dick this week. It’s your time to shine, Virgo.

LIBRA

Burn some bridges this week, Libra. Post some incriminating photos of yourself online while you’re at it. A good public image is for losers with jobs.

SCORPIO

Don’t worry this week, Scorpio — you’ve already fucked everything up to the max.  There’s definitely no coming back from this, so you might as well relax now.

SAGITTARIUS

With all the talk of politics this week, you may be tempted to reply to ignorant comments on Facebook — but don’t give into the urge, Sagittarius! Consider healthier alternatives like stapling your hand to your leg with a staple gun, or self-castration.

CAPRICORN

Life has been frustrating recently, but things are looking up! This week will provide the first solid shit you’ve had in ages. Fix your diet, Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

The stars smile upon you this week, Aquarius, but that’s only because they’re too far to smell you. Did a cat die inside your mouth? Spend this week cleaning yourself with industrial-strength chemicals.

PISCES

You do you however you want this week, Pisces — there’s honestly no point in trying to improve anymore.