To whom it may concern,

I’m writing out of concern for the lack of heating and lighting in the vast majority of the AQ as of late. After the sun is down, it’s completely black and cold in the AQ. Also, the bathrooms are constantly trickling water under the door, and do I even need to mention the amount of bats? These have only happened since this recent SFU management takeover or whatever. Also, I’m concerned by the constant, echoing laugh currently haunting several AQ bathrooms.

—— Wei T.

To Wei,

Thank you for your letter! We at SFU administration would like to reassure you that there is nothing shady going on with the “AQ.” Over the last few millennia, we’ve had many, many letters complaining about the building’s high temperatures and bright artificial lights, and we with the reformed SFU staff  take these, and all, concerns seriously, and lowered the temperature accordingly.

If you’re feeling chilly, I recommend wearing more layers of cloth or wool around you body, as I often do, especially while gliding through our SFU halls. Layers of cloth or wool around the skin warms blood that circulates through your legs, head, brachial arteries, or necks. Or how about a cotton or wool head hat? Heads carry roughly 20 per cent of a body’s total blood volume at any given moment!

As for the bathrooms, we hope the new cool, damp blue theme comes close to your impeccable standards, Wei. The laughing relaxation bathrooms are also a major part of the changes at the “AQ,” and were recently favourably voted-in by the majority of the roughly five per cent of students at the last general meeting (that one in the gym, remember?

If you’d like to discuss any more, Wei, feel free to fly by my office any time (066, the lower lower level) and enjoy some free candy and antiseptic neck wipes!

Sincerely,

SFU Burnaby lighting director Sharon Michael

-— Questions and answers