With the first week of classes underway here at SFU, it might come as a surprise — and disappointment — that the inaugural first classes of this semester were almost cancelled in favour of an earlier-than-normal reading break. All on the grounds that New Year’s Eve celebrations were so off-the-chain, they left the majority of students floored, quite literally.
Shortly after New Year’s festivities concluded, hungover SFU students from across the lower mainland and Metro Vancouver took to their email accounts begging administration to postpone the start of classes for just one more week. It is reported that hundreds of undergrads parleyed with professors also, albeit unsuccessfully — more than likely due to poor grammar and punctuation dictated in emails.
Despite the university’s strict policy towards reading break, SFU staff did congregate over the weekend to begrudgingly devise a solution to student whining which had left its administrative resources in nothing less than a shambles.
“SFU students cited that New Year’s Celebrations were — and I’m quoting this — ‘turnt as fuck’ and ‘cuckoo bananas.'”
SFU reported that its phone lines were in disarray due to an unprecedented influx of inaudible voicemails. Likewise, that university website nearly crashed when undergraduates took to the SFU live chat to regale administration with stories of their booze-fuelled bashes.
The Peak caught up with one SFU administrator who has been at the forefront of this event since the very beginning for further comment:
“SFU students cited that New Year’s Celebrations were — and I’m quoting this — ‘turnt as fuck’ and ‘cuckoo bananas.’ We suggested that students sleep it off and drink plenty of water, but they were unreceptive. The comments we got back ranged from ‘Dude, do you even drink?’ to ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that, bitch.’”
Engineering student Ralph N. Chuck took the time to contact The Peak after his bedroom stopped spinning to advocate for his suffering fellow students in a brief and poignant phone call.
“What were asking for isn’t unreasonable at all, man. The placement of the reading break has never been helpful in the slightest — granted, that probably has something to do with leaving all my readings to the last minute but that is neither here nor there.
“I think I speak for everyone when I say students would rather have an extra week to recover after New Year’s, nursing the stupefying ramifications of nine rocky mountain bearfuckers and a pitcher of water that turned out to be ouzo then — [sound of dry heaving] — I’ll call you back.”
SFU reading break is slated for February 9–14 and shows no current signs of changing anytime soon, leaving a resounding sigh of disappointment throughout campus as party-weary undergrads drag their feet to their next unexciting batch of classes with thick pairs of sunglasses and advil-filled pez dispensers.
