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Premature baby permanently banned from baseball for steroid use

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ST. LOUIS — According to a press release from Major League Baseball, a prematurely born baby has been permanently banned from playing the sport after finding evidence of steroid usage.

The baby, who as of yet has not been named, had allegedly been given steroids before birth to help his lungs function normally and allow him to live. Major League Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig, stated that he wants to set an example with this suspension.

“I want kids to know if you use steroids, there will be punishment,” Selig explained in a press conference in Saint Louis. “I don’t care if your doctor talked you into it, I don’t care if you’re a baby, I don’t even care if you‘re not born yet. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”

Tim and Rose Geridanos, the baby’s parents, were understandably unhappy and shocked after hearing Selig’s decision on TV.

“This is just a routine procedure when a baby is born prematurely,” explained a clearly shaken Rose. “I don’t even think that they’re the same kind of steroids the MLB is trying to get rid of.”

Despite the severe allegations and steep punishment set against him, Major League Baseball’s Player Association did not offer its support to the baby.

“Well at least it’s not one of our players. Maybe the baby should have thought about the consequences before taking performance enhancing drugs,” said representative Hal Bors, “Maybe this will serve as a wakeup call for babies everywhere to take responsibility for their actions, this isn’t the incubator anymore.”

The Geridanos, although angry at the damage of reputation that this suspension might bring upon their son, will not attempt to overturn the suspension stating: “It’s not worth our time and energy . . . besides, we’re more cricket fans anyways.”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society