By Ljudmila Petrovic
They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Not in this day and age: seriously, when was the last time you made eye contact with someone? People think it’s creepy. This being said, there are other ways to get to know everything you need to know about your fellow human beings. Okay, yes, looking at their Facebook or following them on Twitter will probably tell you more than you need to know. But I was talking about their choice of phone. Wannabe professional? Insecure and shallow? Find out here.
LG Handset
A recent study has shown that the predominant demographic of LG users are females between the ages of 14 and 24. That’s actually a study. I didn’t make that statistic up to be funny because it’s called an LG. They also have a phone model called the Gossip. That says it all: this is the girl whose phone conversation on the bus reveals to the public all of her insecurities, not to mention exactly what her ex texted her (with a close reading of every single punctuation mark he used). If you stay on the bus for an extra few stops, you probably also know what all the possible outfit combinations are for Friday night clubbing, plus the pros and cons of each pair of heels. Call her maybe. No, don’t.
Blackberry
Oh, you must be really professional, like a CEO or something. You’re just clicking and clacking away on your keyboard to all the other CEO’s. That’s probably why you get waffle thigh when you sit with your phone in your pocket for a long time (like in those boring CEO meetings). Get it? Because the keyboard leaves an imprint . . . in the shape of a waffle. Yeah, didn’t expect you to get it.
Every once in a while, I come across an iPhone user and a Blackberry user arguing over which one’s better. The crowning moment of that debate is the Blackberry user’s inevitable final cry: “Whatever. I have BBM!”
That guy with the iPhone’s looking really smug right now.
iPhone
You have an iPhone? Well, I’m impressed. You’re probably rich, and really smart because you’re always looking things up on your phone. And I mean always. Is it necessary to look up a topic of conversation as we’re discussing it? Oh, Ok, now you have facts that I don’t have. That’s pretty much cheating at conversation.
It’s also true that you have a bigger variety of cases and accessories for your phone. Blackberry users, for example, cannot encase their phones in Hello Kitty. You win that one, too. And, yes, you have an app for every imaginable purpose, whether it’s relevant or not. You think you’re pretty swell, huh?
You also thought the iPhone 4s was so much better than the iPhone 4. Joke’s on you.
Android
The Android is certainly a superior piece of technology: the newest operating system with a sci-fi name. Nerd. Okay, so, the way I understand it, you’re like an iPhone user, but much more evolved, right? I also hear it’s harder to get apps with an Android than with an iPhone. The same probably goes for getting laid.
I’m not a complete hater, though. The fact that the Android 4.0 is called the Ice Cream Sandwich is pretty sweet (oh yeah, pun most definitely intended). I mean, who doesn’t like ice cream sandwiches? Ice cream sandwiches almost make up for the whole not-getting-laid thing. Almost.
Nokia 3210
I’m not going to say anything bad about your phone lest you hit me in the nose with it—even if you are being ironic. That thing can pack a punch. I don’t even know where you got one of those.
No phone
These new mobile phones are just a fad, right? You don’t need one to communicate with your friends and family, right? Wrong. News flash: your loved ones have probably given up trying to reach you at this point, and with the ridiculously short concentration spans we have nowadays, it’s not unlikely that they’ve forgotten about you. I suppose you still handwrite your papers by the candlelight and send letters by pigeon? If you still believe this, you’re either 78 years old or delusional. Or being ironic. Stop it. That makes no sense. That isn’t even what irony is.
Flip phone
The mid-2000s called you on your shitty phone. They said to stop living in the past. To be fair, you’ve got an excellent choice of default games on your phone. Sure, that guy beside you on the bus can’t stop chuckling at whatever movie he’s streaming on his iPhone, but you’re really kicking ass at Snake. It’s not like you have anything else to do on your phone, so might as well become a pro at moving that pixelated snake around the screen. There are only three possible reasons that you still have a flip phone in 2012: 1) you really, really don’t care about technology, or what people think (unlike iPhone and Android users), 2) You’re really, really poor (also unlike iPhone and Android users), or 3) You’re being ironic. Stop it.
