Marissa Ouyang
Horoscopes August 8–14
August 8, 2022By: Isabella Urbani, Mediator for the Stars Aries — Mar 21–Apr 19 Guess who’s becoming YouTube’s latest food vlogger? Who else is going to tell the people whether or not McDonald’s newest summer drink is good? Let’s get one thing right here: you’re going for number of vlogs, not quality. The Stars aren’t that mean. Taurus — Apr 20–May 20 I understand that you’re still super obsessed with that guitarist✨Kirk Hammett✨from the band you just discovered last week. Too bad you’re 40 years too late. He was topping the charts when your parents were your age. Don’t sweat it,…
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Horoscopes: July 25–31
July 28, 2022By: Hannah Kazemi, Peak Associate Aries You go to enroll and all of your courses are full except for one, so you choose three alternate courses that are not at all anything that you’re interested in. You suffer all semester,…
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CONFESSIONALS: My summer of identity theft and unrequited love
July 16, 2022By: The Impersonator Everyone has done it: enter the wrong classroom on the first day of school. You quickly grab a seat at the front and make yourself comfortable only to be caught off guard by unfamiliar jargon. Mitochondria, epinephrine,…
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CONFESSIONALS: If you leave the group chat, I am leaving you for the sharks
June 28, 2022By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor Is this a confessional or a reckoning? At this point, I’m not sure. I am a destroyed woman. And it’s because of you. I will RUIN you. Look, I know how I sound. I’m a…
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Horoscopes: March 28–April 1
March 28, 2022By: Charlene Aviles, Staff Writer and prank expert ARIES You love a good sitcom prank. As overdone as the whipping cream-sleep-feather routine might be, it also never fails to get you a laugh (track). Watch out this April Fool’s day though,…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 14–20
March 16, 2022By: Sara Brinkac, Humour Editor, Interstellar combatant Aries You should go kick a tree this week. There have been whispers in the wind lately and they have been awful. I don’t even want to repeat what they’ve been saying about you,…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 7-13
March 8, 2022By: Tamanna T., Staff Writer, Interspace advisor Aries The stars are asking that you take a chill-pill this week. I know you’re deep into midterm season but grades will come and go. Do some sight-seeing, find where they’re filming your favourite…
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Horoscopes: February 28–March 4
February 27, 2022By: Hannah Kazemi, SFU Student, Cosmic Counselor in Training Aries You’ve yet to venture out of your comfort zone and find the hidden gems of the Burnaby campus. Be sure to try the tables under Images Theatre for your next…
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Horoscopes: February 21–25
February 23, 2022By: Charlene Aviles, Staff Writer and rom-com fan ARIES: You’re constantly running late on dates. Although asking your Tinder match to order while waiting is a good idea, being one hour late is not. This will most likely result in you…
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Horoscopes February 14–18
February 16, 2022By: Sara Brinkac, Sexpert ARIES: Unfortunately we don’t have a lot of sexual energy to use for your prediction since you’re a total virgin. But we can assure you that you will have sex . . . at some point…
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