Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 14–20

The stars want you to get aggressive

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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
It’s nigh time for you to thrift something together. ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Sara Brinkac, Humour Editor, Interstellar combatant

Aries 

You should go kick a tree this week. There have been whispers in the wind lately and they have been awful. I don’t even want to repeat what they’ve been saying about you, but man, should you go kick a tree, hard.

 

Taurus

Venus thinks it would be funny if you pinched a tomato. Like, how funny would that be? If you just pinched a tomato? It would be so random. It would be hilarious. Venus would love that.

 

Gemini

The stars want you to slap a seaweed silly. Not dried either. Take some initiative. Go rent SCUBA equipment head down to the sea floor, and really show that seaweed what’s what. The stars say it will help with your . . . cosmic vibrations?

 

Cancer

Backhand a flower. More specifically, a daisy. There are some negative vibes moving through the daisy chain at the moment and it’s time you set them straight. Love me or love me not, I’m right.

 

Leo

Get in touch with your sign this week and give a lion a really hard poke. I mean just really wind that finger up and absolutely give that lion the poke of its life. I can’t speak to the consequences of your actions and don’t know if I totally agree with the stars on this one but, sleep on it maybe?

 

Virgo

Go drop kick a strawberry. The prices for strawberries are ridiculous right now and it’s your cosmic destiny to set the economy straight one mushy strawberry at a time. Bless you, star child.

 

Libra

You should shoulder check a big rock. No one sassily shoulder checks anymore and Jupiter misses it. The planet thinks it would be funny if you shoulder checked a big rock because “I don’t know, it would just be funny, don’t ask me why Carl.”

 

Scorpio

Hey, Scorpio, you should kiss a blade of grass. Really show them they’re appreciated. You’re always stepping on grass Scoripo, always, it’s high time you show those blades some love.

 

Sagittarius

Bite an apple this week. But not in a nice eating way, in like an aggressive, “you suck, you friggin’ apple” kind of way. As Mercury is currently in a turf war with apples, it has agreed to go into retrograde for fewer days depending on how hard you bite the apple.

 

Capricorn

Go yank a bush tomorrow. You don’t have to tear out any leaves or seriously harm it, but give the bush a good yank. It knows what it did. 

 

Aquarius

We strongly recommend punching a cloud today. You’ve always got your head down, working hard and the clouds are getting catty about your bald spot. It’s time to hold that head up high and get your fist in the clouds. 

 

Pisces

Whack a perennial flower. They’ve been getting so cocky lately, going on and on about how they never die. The stars are pissed. It’s time you choose the right side in this battle and use your cosmic power to be mean to a flower.