CONFESSIONALS: My summer of identity theft and unrequited love

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An orange envelope with “confessional” written in cursive across it. The envelope is surrounded by a bunch of hearts.
Pour your heart out post-Valentine’s Day. ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: The Impersonator

Everyone has done it: enter the wrong classroom on the first day of school. You quickly grab a seat at the front and make yourself comfortable only to be caught off guard by unfamiliar jargon. Mitochondria, epinephrine, tropomyosin!? Most of these words you’ve never heard in your life — this can’t be right!

Yup, that was me at the start of this year’s summer semester. Anyone else would quietly see themselves out as soon as they realized their mistake, but not this human doormat! This is the story of how I people-pleased so hard that I ended up in a midterm for a course I wasn’t enrolled in.

I don’t like drawing attention to myself, and I certainly don’t like offending others. I wasn’t prepared to ditch BPK 110 after the TA, Frank, so enthusiastically complimented my pants. Who could abandon someone after that!? We had a connection. I don’t think either of us were prepared to throw away our blossoming new friendship.

I’m not a science person, so BPK wasn’t ideal for me. The textbook wasn’t that bad though. And besides, the more I showed up to office hours, the more connected I felt to the material. Beforehand, I didn’t know that there’s only one type of enzyme, that digestion actually occurs in the esophagus, or that Frank can bench 225.

It’s hard to form a genuine bond with your classmates when you’ve taken the name of the person who never shows up for class, Margaret Lee. I’d often get called upon and stare at Frank blankly, forgetting that I was Margaret in this sick game of mine.

Practice makes perfect, though. By the time our midterm rolled around, I’d become Frank’s favourite student and people were even asking me for study help. Frank reassured me that I’d do great, that I was so enthusiastic about the course there’s no way I’d fail.

There’s no way I could pass, either. I got ahead of myself. I forgot I’m an English major already enrolled in four courses, and this wasn’t one of them. Not only was I behind in every other class of mine, but by the time that fateful day was here, I realized there was no way I could take the exam.

I tried to tell the invigilator that I lost all my ID but they didn’t buy it for a second. Especially not when Margaret walked into the room and pulled out her student card. Oh God. You skipped every class for the first half of the semester! If university were a meritocracy then I’d still be in BPK 110. I deserved it.

Frank, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did. I really thought we had something special going on, and if you can settle for an Arts student then I truly believe it’s worth a shot. I still remember our summer full of sweaty iClicker palms and heart-to-hearts about bile. I’ll be out ­­here, Little Mermaid style, waiting to be part of your BPK world.