Horoscopes
Horoscopes: May 9–May 15
May 8, 2022By: Yasmin Vejs Simsek, Staff Writer Aries: You will find all the unique Vancouver events and hidden speakeasies and your friends will all wonder how you do it. You can’t help it! You’re always the first to discover where it’s at. You’re the life of the party. Maybe you should focus on being the life of your studies? Taurus: The summer for Taurus will be a horrible time . . . for their wallet! You’re destined to be a big spender this summer, whether that’s spending hours in Hudson’s Bay or that weekly massage you think is an essential part…
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Horoscopes: March 28–April 1
March 28, 2022By: Charlene Aviles, Staff Writer and prank expert ARIES You love a good sitcom prank. As overdone as the whipping cream-sleep-feather routine might be, it also never fails to get you a laugh (track). Watch out this April Fool’s day though,…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: November 22–28
November 26, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Collect as many crystals as you can to master every aura. Some special stones can bring you joy and prosperity, but certain others carry rancid energy. And by rancid, I mean they’re radioactive and…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: November 15–21
November 26, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: You’re bold. Unconventional. Fucking feral. You’re a coyote, and more specifically the second one to make eye contact with me on campus and start trotting towards me like it expected something. My groceries from…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: November 8–14
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Wednesday is Vanilla Cupcake Day! The day will be a piece of cake after you stress-bake nine dozen cupcakes. And the icing on top? If you give them away, it’s a good deed, not…
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Your SFU horoscopes: November 1–7
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Never make a bet with a communication student. They will ruin you and they have the forbidden knowledge and skillset to make sure the whole world hears about it. In fact, avoid communication students…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: October 25–31
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Play “Monster Mash” on repeat at a reasonable, quiet volume in every public space you inhabit. Nobody can tell you it’s too loud, but they can get it stuck in their heads for days…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: October 18–24
November 25, 2021By: Finn Power, SFU Student ARIES: Today you might find yourself feeling strong anger and boredom. It may be beneficial to consider taking up stress-relief activities like petty theft or joining a punk-rock band. TAURUS: I can only imagine you’re…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: October 11–17
November 25, 2021By: Chitransh Motwani, SFU Student ARIES: Well, we know you’re excited for Halloween and your ghostly spirit is at its peak, but turn down your party playlist this weekend because all your housemates have midterms coming up. TAURUS: We all…
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Your SFU horoscopes: September 27–October 3
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Listen to Canada’s unsung heroes: Nickelback. They get a lot of Nickelback-lash, but if I gave you five cents for every artist you gave a second chance, you’d get your nickel back. You’ll change…
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