Your SFU Horoscopes: October 25–31

Eerie entertainment for an enchanted epoch

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A peaceful cartoon woman surrounded by Zodiac symbols. She wears a yellow dress and has orange hair. Her hands are raised to hold one of the glowing signs.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

ARIES: Play “Monster Mash” on repeat at a reasonable, quiet volume in every public space you inhabit. Nobody can tell you it’s too loud, but they can get it stuck in their heads for days and leave your presence with unanswered questions. If you’re so inclined, shamelessly dance along to the graveyard smash. 

TAURUS: Draw the quadratic formula in chalk in a few spots across campus sidewalks, but make sure every time that the formula is just slightly wrong. Print out misquotes of Shakespeare to leave out near English lecture halls. Borrow whiteboard markers in lab rooms to write complex equations with random numbers and note that the ribosomes are the powerhouse of the cell. Cause just a little harmless chaos in every academic’s life. 

GEMINI: Start some conversations with complete strangers this week (from a safe distance!). Skip introductions and jump straight into conversation like you’re an acquaintance they haven’t seen in years. Possible icebreakers include your strange dream last night about someone who looked vaguely like them, the way their style has always (these last 30 seconds) reminded you of someone you used to know, and most importantly, how you’re a time traveller coming to warn them about the future. 

CANCER: Take charge of the music next time your company needs a soundtrack. However, only play covers of songs, never the originals. Bonus points for every time nobody notices and double bonus points for any Kidz Bop song that plays to the end.

LEO: Organize a first meeting for a local cryptid chapter. Paste posters across campus, all with the same meeting date but different times and places. Important details include dress code (cryptid costume), who to meet (the voice calling your name in the wind), and what to bring (a dedication to impersonating creatures). Send all news tips about campus cryptid sightings to humour@the-peak.ca

VIRGO: Add googly eyes to everything you own. Cereal box? Eyes. Your notebook? Eyes. The back of your head? Eyes. Your life is a blink canvas! See how much you can procrastinate by doing this until you finally run out of tape; eye know it’s a lot. 

LIBRA: This week, you should subtly ghost every Capricorn you know for at least a day and avoid your favourite haunts. They’re in good spirits but only ghoul-ing around. Do some soul searching or face grave consequences. I’m dead serious.

SCORPIO: Go to shipyourenemiesglitter.com and have an anonymous glitter bomb sent to yourself. Completely forget you did so. Open the envelope later and be shocked at your own questionable decision. Pick glitter out of your hair, carpet, and food for weeks. Resign yourself to a life of ingesting glitter and sparkling like Edward Cullen everywhere you go.

SAGITTARIUS: Learn a few Latin phrases to mumble under your breath or curse out at people. Chances are nobody will understand the dead language but a couple professors will be disappointed in your pronunciation, and you can baffle everyone you meet. Feel free to ominously chant verb conjugations in the back of your classes so nobody sits next to you.

CAPRICORN: Plan a pleasant surprise for the special Libra in your life, but disguise it as something ridiculous like “grave robbing,” “a Ouija party,” or “studying.” In reality, you are creating an elaborate 12 step scheme to show you care, rather than actually talking about your feelings.

AQUARIUS: Go to the same coffee shop at your campus three to four times daily for a week. Wear the same clothes and order the same fall drink in a silly voice from the same barista. Change your name just slightly every time in a half-assed attempt to disguise yourself. Never return to that location again.

PISCES: Convince your household or close friends to join you for a murder mystery game. Once they arrive, start the game, but do not plan any murders or decide on a murderer. Instead, let an antsy friend take the game role of “murderer” when it gets dull and facilitate a serious conversation about life decisions and the prison industrial complex.