By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
ARIES: Collect as many crystals as you can to master every aura. Some special stones can bring you joy and prosperity, but certain others carry rancid energy. And by rancid, I mean they’re radioactive and will melt you into a puddle of regret. Be warned: all rocks do come at a price. Luckily, you probably understand that currency can be exchanged for goods, but watch out for the sales tax.
TAURUS: Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour up above (your academic advisor located on the top floor of MBC)? Please schedule an appointment. You’ve been avoiding them more than usual with the pandemic, but it’s time to consider graduating instead of picking random classes from your major as soon as they’re available and hoping the credits line up. SFU loves you, but your wallet doesn’t love it back. Plus, a touch of human conversation would do you good.
GEMINI: Daddy Shakespeare, good ol’ Shakey Boi, would be proud of your writing. He would also be horrified your essays don’t have any terrible puns or dick jokes, so please go in for another round of edits to make your last major assignments more memorable.
CANCER: Do you think penguins get cold? Like, do their little tiny feetsies get soooo cold and do they wish they could wear tiny socks? No, this is a serious question! I’m considering knitting some mini-toques to send to the zoo. You should take up knitting this December and make clothes for your friends’ pets!
LEO: Buy yourself a nice straw hat. Wear it everywhere to express yourself, like a scarecrow struggling through autumn. If you’re lucky, there’ll be enough straws for every drink you order this next year! Be careful, though — it’s nearly a century since the Straw Hat Riot of 1922 and the times have hardly changed.
VIRGO: Feeling a little alien lately? Search for UFOs in the night. If you can’t identify something in the sky, make a note of it! Honestly, who knows what the stars are made of? Those count. Go mow a crop circle into your lawn or stomp one into the ground this week while you’re at it. It’s just as effective as therapy for expressing your feelings, and way cheaper.
LIBRA: Drink plenty of sparkling water this week. It tastes like nothing, but feels like TV static. You’ll be even more connected with Venus, too — drinking prickly water is like sharing a French kiss with yourself!
SCORPIO: Heyooooo SCORPIO!1!! I think youuuUUuuuU should revert back to how u texted ur friends when u were 12 hehe XD I hope its better than how I used 2. and hey!! guess what!! RAWR ^-^ the sun, moon, and stars love you C:
SAGITTARIUS: It’s time to get into the occult rats. No, not arts, I do mean little arcane rats. Befriend any mice you see this week. If you leave them offerings of cheese, crackers, and tiny little candles, one of them might teach you divination. It’s the easiest way to come up with a New Year’s resolution in time for your December Instagram post, so you can pretend to have seen major personal growth on purpose!
CAPRICORN: Start your own small business selling piles of rocks. Collect them from the ground, or sell your soul to Aries for a lifetime supply. After all, Capricorn is an anagram of cairn corp., which means it’s your duty from the stars to pile and auction off little piles of rocks.
AQUARIUS: Behold! A prophecy! Brace yourself: you need to check your loan payments, buy whipped cream and a bar stool, misplace at least one of your bones, drop out of SFU, and . . . oh, wait. This is just my December to-do list. You should probably do your homework early for once, though.
PISCES: Go ahead, party like it’s 2012. Spend your night starting a new tumblr account, designing it to your aesthetic, and posting all kinds of garbage about SuperWhoLock headcanons, the latest Naruto episode’s nonsense, and this angsty poet you just discovered named Edgar Allan Poe (have you heard of him?). Relish in the last social media account you’ll ever need, where nobody actually cares about you but will repost your most embarrassing thoughts.