By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
ARIES: You’re bold. Unconventional. Fucking feral. You’re a coyote, and more specifically the second one to make eye contact with me on campus and start trotting towards me like it expected something. My groceries from Nester’s? A bite of my leg? Dinner and a movie? It can be hard to tell with you, but you have an indescribably powerful energy. Be careful with it. Also, remember, people are friends, not food.
TAURUS: You’re a deer. You’re also a dear. You probably enjoy eating plants straight from the ground, and if not, you should definitely try it. You should also wander around Burnaby Mountain avoiding trails and other people at all costs. If you see a bear, coyote, or mountain lion, stay safe by making yourself small, turning your back, and running the other way while panicking the entire time. Wear a pair of antlers this week, too. You won’t look like a deer, but it has to be cooler than wearing cat ears.
GEMINI: You are your own sworn enemy: the fruit fly. More specifically, part of an inevitable infestation in every kitchen, dorm, or early autumn tree. Gross! You and your many friends are always present, but you don’t get enough appreciation for all the hard work you do, eating questionably old foods that no human really should. Treat yourself with some stinky, moldy food this week! You deserve it.
CANCER: Slow down, buddy! You’re a banana slug! You, too, came into the world slimy, naked, and looking vaguely like an old banana, so don’t be afraid to return to that state. You like taking things slow sometimes, so don’t be afraid to stop and smell the roses. Take a bite of the roses, even. Grow a grass or weed garden, too. (No, not that grass or weed, but I won’t stop you).
LEO: You’re the feisty bald-faced hornet that flew into my residence room last spring, promptly scaring the shit out of me. You are also the yellowjacket I caught in my friend’s room, and the physical embodiment of each wasp nest that I begged SFU residence to remove from the townhouse front door. Maybe you literally are a wasp, but humans usually don’t like being spritzed with vinegar either, so I can’t tell yet.
VIRGO: Virgo, you’re the bedbugs that move from room to room in the SFU residences. This is your reminder: human or bedbug, SFU will leave you alone, never forcing you to do anything, but also not providing adequate support for your survival. Some people may not understand you, but those who do will see your true self: sometimes annoying, virtually harmless, and cute as a button.
LIBRA: You’re the first mouse I saw inside my residence building (not to be confused with the first rat). When I first see you, I feel like standing on a kitchen chair with a broom, hyperventilating, as I wonder what I ever did for the cruel universe to punish me with your presence. Much like a mouse, however, you’re also easy to give adorable nicknames and grow quickly attached to, whatever that says about you.
SCORPIO: Each and every bat that nearly crashed into my head on Burnaby Mountain fondly reminds me of you. You’re chaotic, sure, but in a truly haphazard way that shows people you’re not actually out to get anyone, just to have a good time and maybe eat some bugs on the way. Plus, we’re all half convinced you’re a vampire with the way you take care of yourself, so either eat some garlic or wear extra sunscreen.
SAGITTARIUS: You’re a raccoon! Just kidding, no human is precious or scrappy enough to be on a raccoon’s level. Sagittarius, you’re the chipmunk that screeches at passersby on walks, making the most un-chipmunk-y sounds imaginable. Typically out of sight, and sometimes climbing trees for people-watching, your chip-per personality shines through before anyone figures out who you are.
CAPRICORN: You’re everyone’s worst fear and greatest fantasy: McFogg the Dog. Know that I would die for you and the stars are in your favour all week. Spiritually, you have great abs, a cute outfit, and will be surprisingly good at an obscure sport by the time you leave SFU. Physically, you look almost human. Have a great day, Capricorn.
AQUARIUS: Do you feel misunderstood, enjoy roaming around outside, avoid the Surrey campus, and like berries? And I mean really like berries. Like, you taste a good berry and you just can’t stop yourself from eating the whole container? Mmm . . . berries . . . You’re a black bear that lurks around the side trails and townhouse parking lots. You have a loveable face, tend to stand out, and enjoy curling up in a dirty den all winter. Keep it up!
PISCES: Just like a moth, you sometimes chew on your sweaters, cling to the walls when you should be going out, and are easily mesmerized by bright, glowing lights in the sky at night. Be careful of cedar trees, avoid getting trapped inside drawers, and do your best to avoid being stepped on by tall, intimidating (but somehow entrancing) people.