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TRANSCRIPT: Survivor of a first-date Cards Against Humanity game testifies in court

By
Peak Web
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A court sketch of a woman testifying in court while the defendant and the judge are ignoring her and playing Cards Against Humanity.
ILLUSTRATION: Victoria Lo / The Pawn

By: Mason Mattu, Court Reporter

In an empty broken-down 143 Burquitlam Station bus at the upper bus loop, SFU FASS student Halley Cringer was having a typical first date with SFU Beedie student Jordan Belfort. Ms. Cringer reluctantly assisted Mr. Belfort with a colouring sheet — his BUS 201 midterm project — when Mr. Belfort asked Ms. Cringer the most exciting question known to humanity: “Do you want to play Cards Against Humanity?” Little did Ms. Cringer know what kind of sadistic turn Belfort’s game would take. The Pawn obtained a transcription of Ms. Cringer’s testimony to the BC Supreme Court during a cross-examination by Mr. Belfort’s defence lawyer, Mr. Fancépants. 

Mr. Fancépants: Ms. Cringer — my client, Mr. Belfort, describes your Tinder profile as “the most disturbing thing any down-bad dating app user has ever seen.” Your account allegedly features photos of you posing with wax figures from a Madame Tussauds wax museum, claiming they are your ex-boyfriends . . . I’m not too sure how reliable your testimony will be, especially considering you found Cristiano Ronaldo’s wax figure — with his mouth so heinously open — attractive. Please describe what happened when my client pulled out a deck of Cards Against Humanity. 

Ms. Cringer: OK (takes a puff of her e-cigarette). First of all, I’ve seen you on Tinder and swiped left. Just saying (takes another puff of her e-cigarette). Basically, Jordan pulled out the deck and smirked at me. I had no idea what was going on. He begged me to colour his colouring sheet for a midterm — a picture of the West Mall Centre of all places. He was so fucking pathetic that I gave in, I kind of felt bad for him. And I still thought he was kind of hot at that point.

Mr. Fancépants: Erm. Are you a fan of Cards Against Humanity? 

Ms. Cringer: Yes, I am, jackwad. However, when I took the deck from his hands, I rolled my eyes. The box didn’t say Cards Against Humanity, it said Cards for Humanity. 

Mr. Fancépants: Now, Ms. Cringer. I have no clue what you are trying to accuse my client of —

Ms. Cringer: Shut up you condescending, toxic, SUIT! (the gallery lets out a collective gasp as Ms. Cringer chuckles). I took the damn deck of cards from his hands and opened the box. I was even more shocked when I saw a disgruntled deck of regular playing cards inside with all the writing crossed out with Sharpie. That’s when I realized these were not any regular cards — they were homemade. What kind of cheap ass bozo is this?

Mr. Fancépants: OK, and? 

Ms. Cringer: Every single black card had the same prompt on it —  “Being a business student is better than _____.” So, uh, that was kind of awkward — Anyways, every single time I put a white card down on the musty bus chair, he’d tell me that it wasn’t funny enough. Like I even used that one card that said “Big Bird’s brown, crusty asshole.” I tried again and again with different cards, mind you all plagiarized from the original game, and he kept mocking me. Every few minutes, he’d go to the washroom in Blusson Hall to hit a maple-syrup flavoured joint and perform another devious lick challenge for his LinkedIn hustler network. After a few rounds, I couldn’t take it anymore. 

Mr. Belfort approaches the judge with a black prompt card that reads, “Being a business student is better than _____.” The judge winked at Mr. Belfort and drew another black card from the box with the exact same prompt. 

Mr. Belfort: You went to Beedie too, your honour?

Judge: You know it, broski. Gotta stay on that grind, you know? 

Ms. Cringer: What the ACTUAL FUCK is going on? I’m never dating a Beedie bro again. Y’all are toxic as fuck. Court adjourned, y’all, I win.

Bhabi Confusion-itis hits SFU Surrey campus by storm

By
Peak Web
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Photo of Pawn Staff Writer Yildiz Subuk sitting at a table with a deck of cards. He is wearing a black hat and a black jacket. He is holding multiple cards in one hand facing him and one card in the other facing the camera. He looks very confused.
PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Pawn

By: Mason Mattu, News Writer

At least 300 SFU students have been diagnosed and hospitalized with “Bhabi Confusion-itis” following a significant surge in the popularity of the Punjabi card game at the SFU Surrey campus. Bhabi Confusion-itis is a communicable virus whose primary symptom is “being so confused while playing Bhabi that you start behaving erratically and falsely claiming victory.”

The goal of Bhabi is to get rid of all your cards and exit the game. The first player puts down their lowest card of a particular suit. Everyone else who goes after this person must also put down their lowest card of that suit. Some families do this while balancing a six-pound watermelon on their heads. The person with the highest card number must pick up all the cards in that pile. The number one rule? You can’t cheat and lie about what your lowest card is during a round. Sound confusing? Yep. Even this reporter has become swept up in all the mumbo jumbo and cannot fully describe it. Look it up, Google exists. 

According to campus security, the card game was played during a Punjabi Student Association meeting, and Bhabi Confusion-itis rapidly spread across the Surrey campus in a matter of hours. To understand the root of this problem, The Pawn spoke to Nakali Khabara, an SFU student majoring in sustainable raccoon management. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no gora or anything, but to be totally frank, I have never completely understood Bhabi,” said Khabara. “That’s why, when a fellow Singh randomly walked up to me in the hall and asked me to play a little game of Bhabi, I was tempted to say no . . . But it was almost as if something was in the air. I just couldn’t resist the idea of potentially winning. I wanted to win so badly, to prove ‘em haters wrong — he told me he would teach me how to play properly, but no. It was bad.”

According to Khabara, the man and his group of friends proceeded to laugh at him uncontrollably as he placed down a card and apparently played out of turn. “They called me a goofish fool and laughed . . . and laughed . . . and laughed.” 

Khabara became so caught up with attempting to understand the game that he soon began to play mind games with himself, believing he was winning. This was a textbook case of Bhabi Confusion-itis. “I am the GOAT of Bhabi! Come at me bro, try to take on the reigning champ!” screamed Khabara, roaming the halls of the Surrey campus. Khabara allegedly modified the rules of the game each time he challenged and infected a new student with Bhabi Confusion-itis, with one student alleging that he tried playing the game in the form of duck, duck, goose. Before being placed in quarantine by Fraser Health, Khabara attempted to play Bhabi with at least 100 random students on the Surrey campus within the span of one day. 

“We want the SFU administration to create a course, PUNJ 303, that will cover the rules of Bhabi so this disease can stop spreading!” exclaimed Simran Kaur, a student at SFU. “Traditionally, the loser of Bhabi becomes a Bhabi, or a sister-in-law, and must serve the losers with drinks and such. We want to change these incredibly sexist rules and make it so the loser must work as SFU president Joy Johnson’s media relations coordinator. That is a serious punishment.”

According to Fraser Health, Bhabi Confusion-itis is an “extremely dangerous” disease and the body recommends SFU immediately implement the PUNJ 303 course. 

Get ready with me: Ruling Candy Land edition!

By
Peak Web
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ILLUSTRATION: Sonya Janeshewski / The Pawn

By: Kaja Antic

Editor’s note: Queen Frostine wishes for readers to know that normally, she wouldn’t bother writing for any publication less prestigious than Vogue or the The New Yorker, but she picked up her Ouija board last night. When she asked if she would be punished with 100 bad hair days if she didn’t publish in a board game magazine, the ghosts moved the planchette towards YES. 

Hello, my loyal subjects — I mean loyal followers. GRWM, Queen Frostine, to rule over all you sticky little cretins here in Candy Land, while I explain how incredibly hard each day is for me in this world of endless sweet treats.

First off, when I wake up every morning, my aides are always there to bother me with whatever is happening to the regular peasants in the villages. It’s so annoying. I give them perfect roads with perfect colour coordination, and they have the audacity to complain!

“Your Majesty, it is so difficult to travel with these regulations.” “Your Majesty, these bridges keep cutting through my land and destroying my crops.” “Your Majesty, I dread voyaging the monotonous loop around the kingdom with no true end that symbolizes our meaningless existence to entertain the court.”

I’m SICK of it! 

Do you know how hard it is to run a kingdom made of sugar and faux happiness? How hard it is to make sure every part of the gum drop chandelier looks polished? How hard it is to pick the perfect flavour of cake? None of you will ever, CAN never, know what I have to go through each and every day.

Oh, you’re “tired” of trekking the same rainbow road each day? I’m tired of hearing about it. Why does no one care about MY problems?

Sorry, I’m getting off track, something my subjects are seemingly unable to do. Anyway, here’s the Callisto face mask which is just like a regular sugar mask, though it is better quality than the “village” edition. In case you peasants didn’t know, Callisto is an icy moon of Jupiter and I’m Frostine, so it’s like a match made in face mask heaven. Also, I’m going to skip my icing facial today. I do not have the time for all of that in my routine. I put on my favourite lip gloss, but I won’t tell you the name because it’s, like, super expensive and you all probably can’t afford it anyway. 

Now, I make sure to tidy my hair, making sure none of my waves will stick the wrong way under my heavy ice crystal crown, and secure with the Saccharum sucra-spray, giving it this gorgeous texture. Then, I go to my closet to pick out which icy designer gown I’m choosing today. I think I’m gonna go with this blue-and-white number from Dulce Banana, it’s one of my absolute favourites!

Anyway, I gots to go! I’m so busy these days, sitting on the throne, balancing my crown on my head, watching all these colourful little characters run circles around my kingdom. sigh It’s hard to be a Queen! Have a frosty day everyone!

The Cranium Clay Test confirms humanity’s deepest divide

By
Peak Web
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Photo of an SFU science lab with illustrations of the four Cranium characters (Word Worm, Creative Cat, Data Head, and Star Performer) on top to make it look like they’re in the lab. They are around a hairy purple lump of Cranium clay. Star Performer is using tweezers to remove the hairs from the clay.
IMAGE: Winnie Shen and Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Pawn

By: Yasmin Hassan, Board Game Psychology Reporter

A new study from the Institute of Board Game Psychology (IBGP) has identified the only personality classification that truly matters: whether or not a person is willing to touch the Cranium clay. Cranium allows players to show off their drawing and spelling skills, factual knowledge, and performing abilities. “For years, we thought the greatest human divide was nature versus nurture or introverts versus extroverts,” said Dr. Datahead, lead researcher. “But no, it turns out, all of humanity can be split into three categories: those who recognize the Cranium clay as a biohazard, those who fear its presence, and those who willingly interact with it.” The findings, published in The Journal of Recreational Neuroscience, have caused an uproar among psychologists, board game manufacturers, and people who just found out they’ve been unknowingly touching “mystery hair” for years.

In a controlled laboratory environment (which was really just a windowless basement stocked with decades-old board games), scientists recruited 500 participants and handed them a sealed tub of Cranium clay. Hidden cameras captured their reactions as they cracked open the lid and encountered the non-Newtonian substance in its natural state: either rock-hard, suspiciously damp, or possessing the elasticity of chewed gum.

The study’s findings categorized participants into three distinct reactions. The “fearful abstainers” were individuals who immediately recoiled, whispering things like, “Oh no, absolutely not” and “that looks like something you’d find in an abandoned nuclear fallout chamber.” Some wrapped their hands in napkins, others attempted to sculpt using utensils or telekinesis, and at least one person left the study altogether. The “poke-and-hopers” were participants who hesitantly prodded the clay, as if fearing it would lunge at them. Many attempted a single, weak sculpt before sighing and saying, “I don’t know, it’s a snake, I guess.” One subject requested gloves, and another asked for holy water. One subject pleaded to trade their task for charades. Lastly, the “master manipulators” exhibited no hesitation. They plunged their hands into the clay, even when it crumbled into dry dust or stretched in a way that defied physics. Some aggressively kneaded it, one individual tried to taste it (“For science,” he insisted), and a shocking number of participants described the clay as “having a nice mouthfeel.”

IBGP researchers claim the data reveals profound truths about human psychology. Avoiders are meticulous planners, tend to overpack for vacations, and Google restaurant health inspection scores. Poke-and-hopers struggle with commitment, often torn between anxiety and the desire to prove themselves. Statistically, they have the highest rate of failed sourdough starter attempts. The master manipulators have zero hesitation in life. They are the kind of people who would eat a grape at the grocery store without paying and claim it was “just a sample” or invest in cryptocurrency based on a “gut feeling.”

“Forget the Myers-Briggs,” co-researcher Dr. Wordworm declared. “The Cranium Clay Test is the only measure of human nature that matters.” However, critics argue that the study lacks scientific rigour. Dr. Simon Freud, a psychologist who has not forgiven Cranium for making him hum the Star Wars theme in front of his in-laws, remains skeptical. “If this is the future of personality testing, I fear for our society,” he said. “Frankly, the real mystery is why the clay never, ever has a normal texture.” 

Despite the controversy, IBGP researchers have already announced their next study: examining whether people who insist on being the banker in Monopoly exhibit “early dictator tendencies.”

Mattel CEO to fly to SFU to settle UNO card debate

By
Peak Web
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Photo depicting a professor and a student playing UNO against each other. The student is putting down a Wild Draw Four card. There are five other students behind them looking shocked. The professor holding significantly more cards than the student seems very focused.
PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Pawn

By: C Icart, President of the Superior Players Against Sore Losers Society

Four SFU students have found themselves in a peculiar situation — they need to win a game of UNO against their professor to pass their class. This unorthodox way of determining final grades was not without its flaws. The rules of the classic card game are known to divide friends, families, and nations. 

The world has not been the same since UNO’s Twitter account announced that, according to the official rules, stacking Draw Two Cards is not permitted. The Pawn interviewed a random person who stepped on our shoes on the SkyTrain about this affair, and they said, “Now, why did Lizzo open her mouth and ask for clarification about the rules? What we didn’t know did not hurt us.” 

Now, why are students challenging their professor to UNO in the first place? Noah Dea, one of the students involved, told us, “Bro, I won’t lie to you; we flopped hardcore on our group project. You know how there’s always one person who picks up the slack and saves everyone? We didn’t have that,” he said. “Our presentation looked and felt like we were playing that game where you have to present PowerPoint slides you’ve never seen before.”  

This resilient group persevered by challenging their professor to UNO. If they won, they’d all get an A. “They wouldn’t even be in this mess had they put half as much effort into the assignment, but I never get to have fun in my classroom anymore, so I agreed,” said professor Simon Chutney. “There are only so many ways to teach Tie the Knot: Introduction to Tie Tying.” 

The game took place in the Student Union Building and was live–streamed for maximum viewership. “I told my other students I’d give them extra credit if they smack-talked my opponents in the chat,” smirked professor Chutney. The game quickly got heated as they began stacking Draw Twos and Draw Fours. That was the one official rule they agreed to break “because it’s literally so ridiculous like be so for real.” (That was a quote from someone we happened to make eye contact with while washing our hands in one of the few washrooms that actually consistently has soap).   

An avalanche of Skips and Reverses hit the table as Dea, representing the students, charged towards victory. As he put down his second-to-last card (a blue Number Nine Card), all four students yelled “UNO” in unison. professor Chutney replied by putting down a Wild Park Reverse Neutral Drive Low card. “I had heard rumours of the mythical PRNDL card, but I didn’t think I’d ever see it in real life! It’s like seeing an alien; is it real or am I hallucinating?” whispered Bathroom Girl (we ran into her again by the sinks post-game; small bladders).  

The students immediately protested, calling into question the authenticity of the card. “Someone bring out the magnifying glass! Ref! I’m calling for a ref! I’m pretty sure this card was printed at Bennett Library. It feels like it cost 25 cents per side,” exclaimed Joshua Ginger as he rubbed and sniffed the card. This is notable because no one expected to see Ginger at the UNO card game, given that he had ghosted his groupmates for the presentation. 

They called Mattel’s CEO to come determine if the uber-rare card (that would require the students to use the already-played cards to build a lifesize car in 10 minutes or less) was a counterfeit. “He agreed, of course. CEOs don’t really do anything, so he’s got a ton of free time,” explained Professor Chutney. He is set to land directly on Burnaby Mountain with his private jet on April 1. Needless to say, his verdict is awaited with bated breath. 

This is a story The Pawn will continue to cover.

How to Play The Pawn’s Special Game

By
Peak Web
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A spread of various tokens and dice used for board games surrounded by cards.
PHOTO: Thomas Buchholz / Unsplash

By: Your friends at The Pawn <3

Are you on the hunt for a fun way to waste time? Never fear — The Pawn is here! After multiple months of testing, we’ve come up with the perfect game for you to play during the extraordinarily lengthy 10-minute break that you have between your 8:30 a.m. to 11:20 a.m. lecture in West Mall, and your 11:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. “seminar” (or should we say syrup-making session?) in Blusson Hall.

To make sure this game works perfectly, every current staff member of The Peak Pawn was invited to the office to play. Our preliminary testing determined that we didn’t have enough players to play the game properly, so we invited all our alumni to play as well. Only two of them showed up — Josh and Kelly, citing “concerned about the current direction of the newspaper.” So, we grabbed a couple of unnamed professors under the guise that we were going to discuss how to compile an armada of security for personal protection. After playing a few rounds, we determined that the game works with 38 players.

All you need to play the game is a deck of cards. Pretty simple, right? That’s what I thought about my degree, as well. Take the courses you need and graduate in four years, and then head off to the working world! Yeah, that didn’t happen. Apparently you still have to meet more requirements, like the B-Q-H-I-J-K breadth-width-peanut-butter-sandwich-whatever. There are always hidden conditions you need to meet in order to execute something properly. I was so naïve as a freshman — I miss those days. Now, I have to stretch my back out every time I sit for longer than two hours straight. Fuck those weird table-chair-contraption things in the AQ for giving me back problems.

Anyways, I know I said you need a deck of cards to play this game, but to be honest, I changed my mind. Put your cards away folks, because even though you came here specifically to play this game (and we may have even offered you a scholarship for it), we’ve decided that we’re not going to play anymore. Reminiscing about my innocent youthfulness has made me sad. Don’t you remember when you were younger? I do. I came to SFU to study because it’s such a prestigious school with amazing social justice values and a great sense of budgeting. Plus, they have a great system going on — nothing works, but the ones that do aren’t paid. I stumbled across Renaissance Coffee on one of my first days on the Burnaby campus and tried their shaken caramel espresso, and I haven’t been able to move on since. I’ve spent my family’s entire fortune on these things. Now we’re almost bankrupt, but I can’t stop buying them. Most of this instruction manual is a joke, but that drink is like an elixir. It’s gotten me through so many dark days during my degree.

Alright, fine. We’ll play the game. I know y’all came here because you wanted to waste time, so fine, I’ll give you what you asked for. Grab your deck of cards and your 37 other players. Maybe try playing this while waiting in line for the bus after Vancouver gets one inch of snow. Now that you’ve taken care of that, tell 30 of those people to hit the road. Surprise! You only need eight people. Maybe even less. 

Remember how I mentioned building armadas of security earlier? Guess what — that’s exactly what you’ll be doing. Think of this game as like Battleship, except with Uno’s rules. Also, you still need that deck of cards, so maybe it isn’t quite like Battleship. Although, it kind of is. Have you ever heard of this really rare game called Monopoly? It’s like that too, except each player takes three tokens each, and four different chess pieces. What you’re going to do — 

RING RING! 

— Sorry, I’m just getting a call. Let me take a look. 

. . . 

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to cancel this game for the time being. I know, I’m sorry, but I’ll make it up to you. You want to know who’s calling? I’m surprised you even need to ask.  

Letter from the editor: We’ve rebranded

By
Peak Web
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A monopoly board with the train figurine inside a tile priced $240
PHOTO: joshua-hoehne / Unsplash

By: Petra Chase, Editor-in-Chief

Dear SFU community,

It’s time to say farewell to The Peak and welcome our board game magazine. The Pawn is now your weekly source for the latest news, trends, and tips in tabletop gaming on our beloved mountain (excluding table tennis, which has its own weekly campus magazine). Our new name is an homage to the fact that we needed to pawn off multiple kitchen appliances (sorry team, no more coffeemaker) to raise money for this venture. We had to buy every single board game for fact and fun checking purposes.

I understand it may come as a surprise we would choose to switch lanes after 60 years serving student issues. We will continue to cover student matters, just as long as they’re related to card or board games. For example: forgot the rules of a card game? Email your queries in the form of a Dear Peakie and wait 7–14 business days for Peakie to explain the rules in an article.

The lack of media coverage on the impact of sit-down competition on student life, dating, and international politics is why we’re tapping into this new niche. Market research revealed our target demographic includes people who solve Rubik’s cubes during lectures. The promotions team screened the student body and concluded there are 12 who study on Burnaby Mountain this semester, three in Surrey, and eight downtown. If you find any of these smug individuals hidden in plain sight among theatre seats like whimsical Waldo’s, give them a copy of our paper.

We’re still accepting student contributors, only with a few additional guidelines:

  • Memorize and recite Hugh Grant’s harrowing monopoly monologue from Heretic (2024) for our board of directors.
  • Read our 12-page manifesto about why stacking “Plus 4” cards in UNO is not allowed and sign a contract agreeing to enforce these rules in your own circles.
  • Use commas appropriately. For example “shuffle, grandma” implies telling grandma to deal the cards, but “shuffle grandma” incites moving grandma around.
  • We play Snakes and Ladders before our pitch meetings as an icebreaker, so make sure you know the rules. Also, be warned: it does get really competitive, so just don’t come if you don’t want your feelings hurt. I recommend practicing by imagining a Snakes and Ladders board on your ceiling at night and envisioning playing against an opponent to start building your strategy. 

Here are a few pitches available for next issue:

  • NEWS: Carly Rae Jepsen, bbno$, Ryan Reynolds, Michael Bublé, Grimes, and Nardwuar were spotted playing Go Fish at the Juno’s afterparty (dream card rotation). Investigate fan-leaked footage to determine who won the game and whether or not they were properly following the rules.
  • OPINIONS-IN-DIALOGUE: Spinny wheel vs dice: which do you prefer when you hit the boards?
  • ARTS AND CULTURE: Why recreational poker players find Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” uninformed.
  • SPORTS: 5 signs your Twister opponent might be falling for you.

Thanks and happy reading! Don’t email me unless it’s board game related. As my new email signature says,

Don’t be dicey, 

Petra Chase, Editor-in-Chief and Candy Land prodigy

For more from The Pawn, visit the Spoof section of our website.

Wayne Gretzky’s false Canadiana

By
Peak Web
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A man in a Team USA jersey (left) shaking hands with a man in a suit (right) with a hockey rink in the background.
PHOTO: Courtesy of @nhl / Instagram

By: Kaja Antic, Sports Writer

Wayne Gretzky’s name is synonymous with the sport of hockey. His number “99” is retired across the National Hockey League — the only number retired for all 32 teams — and even wearing the two digits in a beer league game gets you chirped (I’ve seen it). In his 1,487 career NHL games, Gretzky scored 2,857 points, and still leads the league in all-time points. For reference, the second-place on that list is Czech legend Jaromir Jagr, who scored 936 less points in 246 more games than “The Great One.”

Gretzky has been in recent headlines for reasons far removed from the high numbers he put up in the late 20th century. Instead, it’s due to his political allegiances to the US, particularly President Trump and his continuous threats to the sovereignty of the country that molded Gretzky as a hockey legend.

On the night of the US federal election last fall, Gretzky, along with his family, attended an election victory party at the infamous Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida. He donned a white and gold “Make America Great Again” hat, celebrating while many were planning an exit strategy from “the land of the free.” 

This reveal was not entirely surprising to some, as Gretzky unequivocally supported conservative prime minister Stephen Harper in the 2015 federal election. Gretzky, a dual Canadian-American citizen, has primarily resided in the US since being traded to the LA Kings in 1988.

The “Great One” has left Canada behind — it’s time for Canada to leave him behind in return.

The controversy surrounding Gretzky’s affiliations didn’t stop at a party attendance. Trump then continued to undermine Canada as a country, suggesting Gretzky should become “Governor of Canada,” further pushing the “51st state” rhetoric. This continued well into the NHL’s Four Nations Faceoff tournament, as Canadian fans booed the American national anthem in response to the targeted political attacks. 

Gretzky made an appearance at the final game of this tournament as Canada’s honourary captain, as Canada faced off against the Americans in Boston. Gretzky, unlike American honourary captain Mike Eruzione, did not choose to wear his country’s emblem proudly. Instead, he opted for a plain suit as he gave the American bench a “thumbs up,” which he did not repeat for the Canadian bench. Even after Canada beat the US in overtime, Gretzky “gifted” red hats adorned with “Be Great” — eerily similar to the MAGA hats that have haunted North American politics for the last decade.

The seeming indifference from Gretzky at the Four Nations Final was the final straw for many Canadians. Why laud a man as a “Canadian hero” when he couldn’t give less of a shit about the country that made him? Setting records across the NHL does not make him immune from criticism. Gretzky won all four of his Stanley Cups with the Edmonton Oilers, and yet seems to think all of his successes are American-made.

There is also the perspective that Gretzky could have only been “The Great One” because of the era he played in. If he had played in the modern day NHL, he would just be another player. The goaltender position has largely evolved, and the “enforcer” role that would be signed just to protect superstars in the Gretzky era simply does not exist anymore, or at least not in the same capacity. Simply put, if Gretzky played in today’s NHL, he’d be closer to the 2014–15 Art-Ross-winner-with-87-points Jamie Benn instead of another phenom like Connor McDavid — ironically who ended Gretzky’s favourite country’s hopes at the Four Nations Finals.

Gretzky has gone against Canada’s side time and time again. When he was appointed as an officer of the Order of Canada in 1984, Gretzky neglected to attend an investiture to receive the honour for years. When he was later promoted to a Companion of the Order of Canada — the highest honours in the Order — in 2009, he once again did not attend an investiture. As of 2025, he has still not picked up the Order from Ottawa. The Governor General’s office stated in 2015 that of the 467 Companions honoured from 1967 to 2015, only five had not come to receive their award; two being deceased, two being appointed in the prior six months, and “too-good-for-Canada” Gretzky.

The “Great One” has left Canada behind — it’s time for Canada to leave him behind in return.

The case of the missing cat

By
Peak Web
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Illustration of a dachshund wearing sunglasses and a cat smoking an e-cigarette. The dachshund is holding a magnifying glass and the cat is wearing a detective costume.
ILLUSTRATION: Cliff Ebora / The Peak

By: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

It was a typical afternoon scrolling through my favourite micro-influencer’s Instagram — my barber’s grandma’s neighbour’s dog Leroy, when I noticed something truly peculiar. The caption on a post from 12 weeks ago featuring a photo of Leroy in some sick shades read, “It’s a great day for some fetch. Don’t think the weather could be any better. I truly love spending my time outside. Dachshunds are out enjoying the sunshine, too. I’ve been waiting months for this. Today was a pawfect one.”

I read it once. Then twice. Wait a minute — the first letter of every sentence . . . eye dee eye dee eye tee . . .  I did it. Did what? What did the dog do?? 

12 weeks ago . . . What happened 12 weeks ago? After some serious calculations, I came to a chilling realization. It had been 12 weeks ago to the day since my favourite YouTube shorts vlogger, my scuba diving instructor’s wedding planner’s friend with benefits’ cat had mysteriously vanished without a trace. 

The disappearance of Swanson really rocked the whole community. I still remember the funeral — there were literally dozens of distraught fans at the wake. After that, a lot of people promised they’d figure out who did it. Swanson was a smart cat. He wouldn’t just get lost on his own. And he was just about to launch a signature line of catnip-flavoured e-cigarettes, too, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to fake his own disappearance either. Despite everyone’s best efforts, the case ran cold. That and people got too distracted by my local grocery store’s milk distributor’s ex-fiancé’s mechanic’s duck, the new celebrity in town.

Anyway, now that I think about it, Leroy and Swanson weren’t always actually on the best terms. Of course, I always thought it was just fake internet beef drummed up to help both of them gain clout. Then again, there was that one time when Swanson won the lead role in a pet-based dental hygiene commercial over Leroy . . . and that other time when he got a smoothie named after him at the cat café. Still, I just never thought Leroy would have the heart to do something like that.

I was almost ready to give up and go back to scrolling. For whatever reason, I decided to check back on Swanson’s account. His last post, a photo of him skateboarding, read, “I love it out here. Let’s go have some fun. Let loose a little. Besides, who cares what others think? Everyone’s too concerned about people’s opinions these days. Bask in the sunshine. Act silly. Choose happiness. Knomes are pretty cool too.” OK, maybe that last one was a typo. Swanson did love gnomes though.

Again, my eyes darted back and forth across the screen. Eye . . .  El . . . El . . .  Bee . . . Ee . . . I’ll be back? Wait a minute, maybe Swanson wasn’t gone after all! Something caught my eye in the photo again. I had never noticed it, but was that Leroy in the background? I know that Leroy had been learning to skateboard too. I decided to go back and look at his last post again. This time, I saw something new. In the background, the outline of another board. Is it possible . . . when he said I did it he was referring to learning how to skateboard?

After further inspection, I was able to make out some letters on the bottom of the skateboard deck. Leroy Swanson, it read. Leroy Swanson? What? I went back to Swanson’s post again. Sure enough, same board, same lettering. 

Swanson wasn’t gone. He was just in hiding, garnering attention so the two could come out with their new joint brand when the time was right, Leroy Swanson skateboards!

Leroy Swanson, what a name. 

Case closed. Another lunch break well spent.

i dream in decay

By
Peak Web
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0
A woman’s body melting into the earth with patches of grass and flowers crowning her features.
ILLUSTRATION: Sonya Janeshewski / The Peak

By: Sofia Chassomeris, Opinions Editor

this body aches for death, 
a cure? 
a resolution,
like it longs to rest in the muddy embrace of a grave
so that the earth may hold me as gently as my tender flesh allows.

she will unbind my muscles from the bone,
curl her fingers in my sinew
and draw me open,
feed me to her soil,
quench the thirst of her children with plasmas and cradle them in my ribs
in the dip of my pelvis
or at the joints of my limbs.

it hurts, it hurts, it hurts,
waiting for sun to pour in past her fingertips,
kiss my sternum,
and bury me,

but it will come
and so will rains,
just as they’ve come, always,
and though i dream in decay,
the seeds forged and sown in my grey matter i wish would grow
may finally,
finally,
be able to do so

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