At least 300 SFU students have been diagnosed and hospitalized with “Bhabi Confusion-itis” following a significant surge in the popularity of the Punjabi card game at the SFU Surrey campus. Bhabi Confusion-itis is a communicable virus whose primary symptom is “being so confused while playing Bhabi that you start behaving erratically and falsely claiming victory.”
The goal of Bhabi is to get rid of all your cards and exit the game. The first player puts down their lowest card of a particular suit. Everyone else who goes after this person must also put down their lowest card of that suit. Some families do this while balancing a six-pound watermelon on their heads. The person with the highest card number must pick up all the cards in that pile. The number one rule? You can’t cheat and lie about what your lowest card is during a round. Sound confusing? Yep. Even this reporter has become swept up in all the mumbo jumbo and cannot fully describe it. Look it up, Google exists.
According to campus security, the card game was played during a Punjabi Student Association meeting, and Bhabi Confusion-itis rapidly spread across the Surrey campus in a matter of hours. To understand the root of this problem, The Pawn spoke to Nakali Khabara, an SFU student majoring in sustainable raccoon management.
“Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no gora or anything, but to be totally frank, I have never completely understood Bhabi,” said Khabara. “That’s why, when a fellow Singh randomly walked up to me in the hall and asked me to play a little game of Bhabi, I was tempted to say no . . . But it was almost as if something was in the air. I just couldn’t resist the idea of potentially winning. I wanted to win so badly, to prove ‘em haters wrong — he told me he would teach me how to play properly, but no. It was bad.”
According to Khabara, the man and his group of friends proceeded to laugh at him uncontrollably as he placed down a card and apparently played out of turn. “They called me a goofish fool and laughed . . . and laughed . . . and laughed.”
Khabara became so caught up with attempting to understand the game that he soon began to play mind games with himself, believing he was winning. This was a textbook case of Bhabi Confusion-itis. “I am the GOAT of Bhabi! Come at me bro, try to take on the reigning champ!” screamed Khabara, roaming the halls of the Surrey campus. Khabara allegedly modified the rules of the game each time he challenged and infected a new student with Bhabi Confusion-itis, with one student alleging that he tried playing the game in the form of duck, duck, goose. Before being placed in quarantine by Fraser Health, Khabara attempted to play Bhabi with at least 100 random students on the Surrey campus within the span of one day.
“We want the SFU administration to create a course, PUNJ 303, that will cover the rules of Bhabi so this disease can stop spreading!” exclaimed Simran Kaur, a student at SFU. “Traditionally, the loser of Bhabi becomes a Bhabi, or a sister-in-law, and must serve the losers with drinks and such. We want to change these incredibly sexist rules and make it so the loser must work as SFU president Joy Johnson’s media relations coordinator. That is a serious punishment.”
According to Fraser Health, Bhabi Confusion-itis is an “extremely dangerous” disease and the body recommends SFU immediately implement the PUNJ 303 course.
