By: Mason Mattu, Investigative Journalist
As an investigative journalist with The Peak, I have taken it upon myself to investigate the most harrowing and shocking secrets hiding behind the asbestos-filled halls of SFU. Let me warn you, it isn’t pretty. Last week, I set out on my latest mission after receiving a very disturbing anonymous tip:
To whom this may concern. Every time I walk through Blusson Hall, I get a shiver down my spine. It smells peculiar — like the Care Bears on steroids. It smells like expired m-m-maple syrup. I have lost so much sleep over this. The smell just doesn’t go away! I swear to God, it’s real.
In Blusson Hall? The forgotten part of SFU where students speedwalk to and from the upper bus loop? At first, I didn’t believe what our anonymous tipper said. After all, the Care Bears are synonymous with joy, and we don’t usually get that at our school. So, I decided to chase down the only joy I know at SFU — president Joy Johnson. I ran after Johnson, who was on her way to her recently-acquired Lambo in the MBC parking garage, faster than a Rebel News reporter hunting for their prey.
“Did you want a photo op? Perhaps we can pretend to swim in the empty swimming pool?” Johnson asked me. When I politely declined and asked her about the maple syrup in Blusson Hall, she immediately jumped into her Lambo and ran over my foot. “NO COMMENTTTTT!” she screamed while driving away with the windows down, her hair flawlessly flowing in the stinky air. Raccoons have taken over the MBC parking lot and have really stunk it up in here, but that’s another story.
This is very typical behaviour from Johnson. Over the past year, five staff members at The Peak have been run over by her Lambo. But still, something wasn’t quite right. After hours of brainstorming and contemplating the meaning of life, it hit me. I needed to go to Blusson Hall. I absolutely had to go to save the student body from what I call Maple Syrup Gate.
With a flashlight and notebook in hand, I attempted to enter Blusson Hall from the side of the upper bus loop. After a busy student slammed the door in my face, I carefully re-opened the door. Alongside the smell of tears from distraught health science students, I could discern something horrifying. Something I never thought could be possible. I, too, smelt the maple syrup.
As I limped around Blusson Hall, the smell became more and more distinct. Students were speeding through the halls on hoverboards, bumping into each other, racing on the left side of the hall, and rushing to make the bus.
Walking by a series of suspicious lecture halls, the faint smell of maple syrup grew even more prominent. I tried to get a student’s attention, but they ran over my healthy foot with their hoverboard instead. I heard what can only be described as metal clanking and Karen laughter. After tracing the sound to a lecture hall at the end of the Blusson Hall corridor before the stairs into the AQ, I hesitated.
“The Peak Publications Society Investigative Division, open up!” I bellowed, channeling my inner Fox Mulder or Dana Scully. I could hear the intro to The X-Files as I kicked down the door using what was left of my feet. The room fell silent.
Here, I expose SFU’s largest underground operation — underground maple syrup trafficking to the US. Inside the lecture hall, dozens of individuals wearing hazmat suits were extracting and packaging maple syrup from large metal tins. Each tin had an American flag, obviously about to be smuggled to the US to avoid paying Trump’s tariffs.
One individual approached me and took off her hazmat mask. It was none other than . . . Joy Johnson. “You absolute idiot! How do you think we were going to make up for SFU’s $20 million deficit? This was our primary source of income. And we would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for your meddling newspaper!”
SFU has since announced that the underground maple syrup syndicate will halt operations. Due to this, SFU’s deficit for the next fiscal year has been projected to raise to $800 million.
Well, another one bites the dust, SFU. If you enjoyed this super cool investigation and want to see more, please e-transfer me $10. Investigative reporter out.
If you have any investigative tips for The Peak, please use astral projection to contact us.
