At the culmination of a long-drawn-out process, the final consenting member of SFU’s community has uploaded their mind to the cloud. This revolutionary move has led to 90% of members of the student body and faculty being made up of robotic bodies. The project was first proposed two years ago in a Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) Council resolution as a way to reduce SFSS spending. The resolution highlighted the student society’s precarious financial situation, following Council approving the construction of a giant permanent bouncy castle overlooking campus costing over $2,000,000. The councillor who proposed the motion emphasized the project’s…
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When I was a kid, my grandmother would always try to sneak a piece of candy into my pocket, much to my parents’ dismay. Maybe for many people this story might sound trivial, maybe amusing. For me, it meant a…
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Hey, kitten. Maybe too soon for pet names, especially because I don’t know if a second date is on the cards after the way our first one went. I’m sorry I picked a board game café under the ruse it…
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I will not say chai tea, I will not say chai tea, I will not say chai tea. I chant in my head as I approach the barista. If I say “chai tea,” she will frown upon me with disdain…
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I had finished my dinner when my father brought home a dessert I had never tried before. It looked like caramel bars and tasted like fudge. I asked my father what was placed before me, to which he simply replied,…
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A 92-year-old grandmother was swept off her feet earlier this morning by what bystanders initially identified as a rogue reindeer the size of a school bus skidding down Hastings Street. The oversized reindeer was first spotted by unsuspecting pedestrians at…
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How long will this government survive? Read on to find out! Remember to follow my TikTok for exclusive digital palm reading. Hiiii, lovelies! Welcome back to my Federal Future Forecast Series, where I ask Spirit to guide us on matters…
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It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday, cloudy, and campus is deserted. The commuter students fled home yesterday, and the Burnaby campus residents are hunkered down in their concrete boxes. I’m headed home to my dorm, veering left on the walkway.…
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On October 22, the Vancouver Writers Fest hosted a talk with David A. Robertson, member of the Norway House Cree Nation and author of 52 Ways to Reconcile, and Bruce McIvor, member of the Manitoba Métis Federation, SFU alum, and…
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The following is a transcription of a voice recording from a mortician’s autopsy. Testing, testing. OK, time is 8:14 a.m. on Saturday, October 14, 2017. Name of deceased: Doug Graves. Location of death — uhh — the daughter, Abigail, said…
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