By: Sarah Sorochuk, SFU Student and C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I am an avid transit user. Name any bus, I’ve been on it. My favourite part of being on the bus is standing in front of the red line right next to the door. This allows me to block the driver’s view and prevent others from boarding the bus. However, recently, a driver kept playing the “please move to the rear of the bus” audio. When I didn’t move — because that obviously does not apply to me — he directly asked me to step back. I did what anyone else in my situation would do and cried. How do you suggest I handle it if I’m ever put in this horrible position again?

Sincerely, 
Door Blocker

Dear Door Blocker,

I understand your pain and am truly sorry for this terrible situation. Though this issue here, I do fear you were slightly to blame. I know it’s horrible that I turned this on you. But realistically, blocking the way is rude. Not that I blame you, that is the best spot, as you get a view of everything. So, my suggestion would be rather than standing in the front, you could sit in the front chairs instead. There, you will still have the power of being in the front, without the embarrassing “please move to the back of the bus” soundtrack playing on repeat. My other suggestion is more devious, though. Bribe the driver with snacks. In my experience, a chocolate bar can go a long way. 

Sincerely,
Peakie

Dear Peakie,

We all know group projects suck. I have decided I don’t want to live a life where I do things that suck. Therefore, I will not be engaging in this headache-inducing activity. I was very clear about this with my professor, but they still went on Canvas and assigned me to a group. What recourse do I have to battle this injustice? 

Best, 
Call me Jason Derulo cause I’m ridin’ solo

Dear Jason Derulo,

I appreciate your confidence and courage to battle the bounds professors have made with their annoying group projects. I support your protest of these assignments!! As for your frustrating professor, I think you should email them explaining why you wish to work on your own. It should be at least five pages long, stating all of your reasons and proof from psychological papers. Make sure to do your research, this is important. You need to prove it to them. Your professor should take you seriously. If not, refer them to me. I will have so much fun talking to them! I have your back Jason Derulo!

Supportively,
Peakie! 

Dear Peakie, 

Did you know that “eat the cat” is not a lesbian anthem by an up-and-coming queer artist? I recently found out it was a xenophobic comment made by a convicted felon? That’s such a vibe kill. I don’t want to co-sign that shit, but also the remix is fire. What should I do?

Sonically, 
Vegan Haitian

Dear Vegan Haitian,

Honestly, this is the most bizarre letter I have received, and quite frankly, you have stumped me. Personally, I would not listen to anything that xenophobic felon has to say. Just because he’s had attempts on his life doesn’t mean he should be endangering others with false claims. Anyways, trends come and go and you’ll have something less problematic to shimmy to in no time. 

Keep dancing,
Peakie