By: C Icart, Humour Editor
It’s not tax season, but I would like to talk about taxes anyway. After all, this is my section; I can write about whatever I want (oop, our editor-in-chief has just informed me that is not the case). So today, I want to talk about the Canada Revenue Agency, aka the CRA, aka the Can’t Run away from our Audits.
If an auditor is reading this right now, I would like to preface this whole thing by saying I love the CRA, I love paying money to the CRA, and I love taxes. I am a law-abiding citizen. I do not engage in tax evasion. I hate tax evasion. Whenever the opportunity for tax evasion arises, I put on my best Dora the Explorer voice, break the fourth wall and say, “We need your help to stop tax evasion. You have to say, ‘Tax evader, no evading!’” The billionaires don’t listen, but you can’t say I didn’t try.
But even a fantastic, amazing, and excellent agency like the CRA is not above little teeny tiny criticism. So here’s the criticism: CRA phone assistance is shit. Well, that’s not fair. Saying this implies that I have received phone assistance. I have received no such thing. But it’s not for lack of trying! I have called the CRA even though that’s such an unnatural thing for a Gen Zer to do. That’s like asking me to mail a letter or use a rotary phone . . . Humans have evolved to forget how to do those obsolete tasks. You can’t tell me the CRA doesn’t know this because they’ve created a website where you can file your taxes and make payments online.
As I am naturally predisposed to prefer this option, this is where I began. Unfortunately, I am also predisposed to all the stars in the universe aligning against my favour. I got hit with the dreaded error message asking me to call the CRA to fix the issue. So, I took a deep breath and channelled my inner millennial. It was time for some serious adulting. I dialled the number, ready to press deux pour le service en français (yeah, that’s right, I’m a francophone outside of Québec. I know your west coaster brain is blown). I’d mentally prepared myself to listen to hours of terrible hold music. BUT! I WAS DENIED (sorry, that was really loud. It’s just that it’s all so fresh)!
The robot lady told me so many people were on the line that I needed to call at another time. And then, she had the audacity to tell me I could use the website instead. She said it so smugly, like she was teaching me something, like she was helping me. So now the website wants me to call and the number wants me to website (this is a free country, let me make website a verb). That’s like when your prof and your TA are giving you conflicting assignment guidelines and you know in your heart that they’ll deduct points no matter what you do.
As you’ve probably deduced, I’ve had this experience more than once. Every day is Groundhog Day: I call, the Siri wannabe mocks me, I hang up. Lather, rinse, repeat. Why are they making me feel like an ex who can’t take a hint? Do they think I enjoy regularly dialling their number and being met with an automated message? This is so embarrassing.
I can’t be made to look desperate. It’s time I stand up. I’m making new rules. The main rule is every time you try to pay the CRA, and they don’t answer or take the money, the amount you owe should be lowered. Because everyone wants to talk about me and how I’m supposed to be responsible and settle my debts, but no one seems to have told the CRA that they also need to be responsible and take my money! The second I learn how stamps and mailing addresses work, the CRA will be receiving a strongly worded letter from me. Until then, suckers like you get to read my rants. You’re welcome.
