By: C Icart, Staff Writer
Hear me out, we have seen a number of industries be disrupted, leading to unprecedented innovation. But there is one area where we have not seen much progress, which is a shame, and that is hold music. Do you think waiting in customer service limbo is a little annoying? Not as annoying as listening to boring music. Or not being afforded the opportunity to finish the dance party that inevitably ensues. This is a legitimate complaint I think Alexander Bell should have considered.
First, we should bring back the TikTok trend of vibing to hold music. For one brief time in history, all the cultured people like me who enjoy being subjected to tunes instead of timely service were highly visible online. Where have all my people retreated to? I need to reconnect with them.
Second, the music needs to be better. If I can press one for English and deux for français, I should also be able to press three for hyperpop and four for escape room (yes, that’s a music genre! It was on my Spotify Wrapped, go argue with the wall). Also, where are the visuals? I’m looking at you, Beyoncé. Do you mean to tell me we’re in 2023 and hold music does not come with visuals? Everyone is talking about AI and ChatGPT but all I want is a good old-fashioned hologram coming out of my cellular device. Why is it even called a smartphone if it can’t animate my Pixel Perfect fantasy?
Hold. Music. Karaoke. I know it was very brave of me to express such a revolutionary thought. You’re welcome.
No, no. Forget everything I have previously said. I was young and silly. Hold music lip-sync for your spot. That’s the next big thing. People love asinine competition. If you disagree, go check out all the new Netflix originals reality shows and then come back to me. Presumably, I’m on hold because there are people ahead of me in line. I should be able to compete in live lip sync battles to move ahead in line. This is a genius idea! I will salsa to very neutral jazz music! How wonderful would that be: to showcase my best moves and talent as an entertainer, destroy the competition, make it to the front of the line, get rewarded with being able to talk to a real employee and not a robot voice, all to be told I can only cancel my gym membership in-person! That would be so slay.