By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate
Aries
March 21–April 19
This summer, please take a course on internet safety and the effects of AI. I know you want to become more adventurous and outdoorsy, but asking ChatGPT for hiking directions might not be wise. Choose a proper trail map without whimsy advertisements and strange misspellings unless you’re trying to meet Willy Wonka’s enemy, the “Unknown” in Glasgow.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Will the trip make it out of the group chat? Probably not, but why not try challenging that narrative by travelling to a completely foreign country with no prior knowledge, financial plan, or backup plan for any setbacks? I’m sure your classroom-sized friend group will still be perfectly intact!
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Cancel all of your streaming services, babe; they are useless for you. You have the premium, no-ads subscription of every platform known to man, but still spend hours on TikTok. Oh, you’re searching for part two of the video you just watched to see the episode ending of Everybody Hates Chris? Spoiler alert, it’s not there!
Cancer
June 21–July 22
Although the month of June has passed, you still spend every night listening to “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals, thinking about the one that “got away.” Bonus points if you also know it from Never Have I Ever. In the footsteps of Devi Vishwakumar, keep pining after your crushes. Eventually, it’ll be the one!
Leo
July 23–August 22
Your “summer of all summers” should not consist of you starting a podcast. Peaking in high school is a highlight of your teen years, not the adult ones. Trust me, the internet does not need more small groups with microphones weighing in on whether or not animals should be allowed to vote.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Enough with destroying your phone’s storage. After you’ve taken the perfect selfie, you can delete the bad ones! Start downloading those potentially scamming storage–clearing apps. They might steal your banking info, but at least you’ll be free from those lecture board pictures and Twitter meme screenshots.
Libra
September 23–October 22
If you’re going to take decades to even look at any notifications, consider investing in ancient scrolls and quills. Your friends could probably find a wild bird on campus to deliver you letters to your dorm, and it would still somehow be quicker than a text back from you (and you still wouldn’t answer).
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
As the OG iPad kids, you are glued to your phone for hours. You’ll post on your story that you’re on a social media break and deactivating your account, but like Selena Gomez, you’re back in less than an hour. Phone jail cages might be exactly what you need this summer. But beware! The withdrawal from deleting your socials might make you rack up a screen time of up to 107 hours on Olive Garden’s rewards app.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
Your bank account is going to be crying this summer, but at least your Instagram will be popping! Whether you’re in class, at work, or even your distant relative’s house, nothing will prevent you from buying concert tickets the second they drop. It doesn’t matter if you know their whole album or just the few lyrics that went viral; you will be front row, filming. To stand up to everyone calling you a “TikTok fan,” you should get up on stage and have a sing-off with the artist.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
As a self-proclaimed homebody, you’re sure to find some new artistic hobby to add to your personality. Don’t worry about buying new supplies though, I’m sure you have enough resin from your small business era, acrylics from your nail tech era, and Monster cans from your quirky crafting era. Hopefully, your never ending search for the perfect aesthetic will end soon.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Ever heard of a self-care day? You need a self-care year. You always find some strange way to make your life harder, from fumbling dates to getting yelled at for sleeping in lecture. At this point, just book a flight to Mars to get your aura points back, there’s no hope for you.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Please stop with the subliminal, one-word captions on your Instagram stories with a Pinterest wallpaper of random strangers in the background. News flash, we’re no longer in the 2017 era of Tumblr, your posts don’t make you look mysterious, they make you look corny. For the sake of your reputation and my eyes, cut it out. Insert pleading hands emoji
