Stop asking me to do things

I don’t want to

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Caricature of a burglar wearing a black mask, a striped shirt, and holding a bag. They are gesturing to be quiet by putting their index finger in front of their mouth.
ILLUSTRATION: Den Kinanti / The Peak

By: Sonya Janeshewski, SFU Student

Everyone always says sharing is caring. Well, people who believe that are the reason we will never move forward as a society. Once you’ve made your bed, you have to lie in it. You ask me to hold the door because you’re carrying suitcases and pushing a stroller? Maybe you should have thought of that and grown a couple extra arms. It’s just common sense. Is this The Plaza Hotel? Have you mistaken me for a butler? I’m fairly sure that’s racist somehow. Ugh, people have way too much audacity these days.

I mean, humans are not living things. We aren’t supposed to be social. We are meant for solitude and independence. Translation: stop bothering me and do it yourself. Why would I drive you to the airport? Am I an Uber? A taxi service? We all know you’re rushing to your ex’s apartment in a doomed attempt to finally make him commit to you, despite knowing full well that his bedroom looks like an abandoned fishmonger’s stall and his face looks like the fish. Maybe if you miss your flight, it will give you time to see how ridiculous that is. Don’t make your decisions my problem. I’m just trying to avoid being social at all costs.

As mentioned earlier, one of the main issues in society today is children. Trust me, I’m not a hypocrite. I admit to having once briefly been a child, but I was in a very dark place and regret that phase deeply. It’s just that children these days have no manners. They seem incapable of pretending like they don’t exist and making it impossible for me to pretend they don’t exist. They also have no sense of safety. Do you know why they call it stranger danger? Because you should never endanger someone with the presence of your child.

The other day at the park, I was approached by one of these creatures who demanded (well, they asked politely, but I still felt offended) I return the soccer ball that had rolled near me. I proceeded to tell them not to speak to me as I could be a kidnapper, but they seemed undeterred. So much so that I started wanting to kidnap them after a while, so I proceeded to explain that if you do not leave now, the only thing you’ll be getting is a restraining order (because that is a completely rational thing to say to a minor). This earned the frankly childish reaction of tears, but I was merely teaching this child a lesson about not talking to strangers! I suppose no good deed goes unpunished. Perhaps if more people were like me, we wouldn’t have so many adults trusting strangers either. 

The number of times I have been asked to watch people’s phones or bags or babies while they left for some ridiculous reason, like needing to use the bathroom, is absurd. Eventually, I got so tired of being asked to watch that I just started taking them. I mean, they should not have trusted their valuables with a stranger, who could be a thief who would just up and leave with it! Soon, I taught so many people this lesson that I was taken to the police station. All I have to say as the modern-day Robin Hood is that people these days just don’t understand how good a person I am. 

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