By: Tam Nguyen, SFU Student
Inside an SFU dorm, there’s a girl sleeping on the couch. A YouTube video called “Learn C++ in 15 minutes” is playing on the TV screen. Suddenly, there’s a loud BANG on the door that could easily wake up a whole neighbourhood. Yet, the girl is still deep in REM sleep. She only gets pulled out of her nightmare about her upcoming group project when an RCMP squad shoves through the doors and yells at her that she is under arrest.
“You can’t arrest me; I’m gay and Asian!” she says. “Wait, and I mean this in a so not suspicious way, but just so we’re all on the same page here. Which crime are you here for?”
“You have committed a crime against national security. What you have done puts the well-being of all Canadians at risk,” one of the officers answers.
“First of all, I don’t see how that’s possible given that I didn’t raise the grocery and house prices and make having children unaffordable.”
The police officer pulls out a notebook from her pocket “No, but you invented an algorithm to break up with a completely healthy and happy lesbian relationship, it’s in your diary. Do you still deny the allegation?”
The girl was surprised. “That’s ridiculous! There’s no correlation between lesbians sabotaging their own relationships and national security!”
“Some straight people stole your method, and soon there will be no happy couples left! ”
“Classic move — first Girl In Red and now this. Can we have our own thing just for once?”
“You are responsible for creating such a deadly algorithm.” The police officer starts opening the notebook.
Inside the notebook, we see a fully written page.
Dear diary, this is how to break up with a completely healthy and happy relationship (lesbian version).
Step 1: Fact Check </b
Make sure that your relationship is completely happy and healthy and your girlfriend is a good person. Do NOT break up with narcissists, because they are hot. Don’t believe it? Go and watch Killing Eve!
Step 2: Nitpicking
Consume as much social media as you can, about someone richer, prettier, and more talented and then ask yourself this question “What is the thing that I don’t like about my girlfriend?”
Preferably something she can improve easily. The easier that is, the tastier it feels at the end.
Step 3: “Is it better to stay or to die?”
To die it is! Do NOT communicate it with your girlfriend. When she asks if everything is okay, you say “Of course babe, everything is, indeed, fine.”
Step 3.5: The Bestfriend
Find someone who dislikes your girlfriend for no reason, and tell them about your problem. You’re going to have the most eye-opening conversation of your life.
Step 4: Not my fault
Let the problem sink in long enough you start resenting her. It’s her fault that she can’t read your mind.
Entering a loop condition:
If you don’t resent her enough:
Go back to step 1.
Start again.
If you do: move on to Step 5.
Step 5: Oscar Nomination
Keep acting like things are okay. Plan for the future, road trips, and holidays. Continue telling her how much you love her and that she is way too good for you.
For extra fun, let’s ask her to U-Haul (if you haven’t done so after the first date), to marry you, or to adopt a cat. Don’t worry, it’s not like you’re going to do all these things for real, right?
Step 6: Self-care
Convince yourself she isn’t the one, and you deserve better. She is too . . . flawed! (the flaw that can be easily changed if you tell her in the first place)
Step 6.5. Almost there
You should probably fall out of love with her at this point, but if you’re not, go back and keep grinding through these previous steps — you’ll get there eventually.
Optional step: You may consider emotionally cheating.
Step 7: Shoot the news
Once you fall out of love, tell her you want to break up. I suggest sending a breakup text while she is having a night out with friends. Surprise, baby!
Step 8: Strong woman
Do NOT give her a second chance to fix the problem. How hard did you have to work to NOT tell her in the first place? Are you letting all of these efforts go to waste?
Step 9: Final Step
Walk away from your perfectly healthy and happy relationship; convince yourself you dodged a bullet. If she cannot read your mind, that’s not your soulmate. Next time consider dating a psychic!
The police officer stops reading. “Seriously, who hurt you?”
“All the pretty girls, I guess,” she shrugs her shoulders, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”
