By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear bitch — I mean pill, 

Listennnn, before anyone comes for me for coming for you, I will acknowledge that you don’t screw everyone over. But just because you’re playing nice with other people does not mean I don’t get to call you out for just sitting there in silence while my doctor told me “there’s basically no side effects” to me taking you. You knew that was a lie! I bet you were sitting in your little blister pack giggling, knowing the havoc you were about to wreak on my body. 

When you came home with me for the first time and I made you promise you’d regulate my periods from hell, you had your fingers crossed behind your back. That’s the only explanation! You worked perfectly in the beginning so I would trust you. You’re just a little conniving tablet. I let my guard down and BAM! You hit me with the breakthrough bleeding. 

I will not stand for this level of backstabbing (or should I say uterus stabbing). In true “girl’s girl who is not a girl” fashion (don’t worry my fellow enbys know what I mean by that), I will be exposing you, so you don’t dupe someone else. I tried to come to you directly to squash this and you convinced me I just needed a higher dose. Well, the lie detector test I secretly gave you determined that that was a lie! 

I wrote your name in my Burn Book and warned everyone about you so no one can downplay the side effects of combination birth control pills to unsuspecting teenagers and young adults ever again.  

Hate you forever,
A girlie who’s tired of 14-day periods