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Why aren’t you answering my texts?

Humour
Peak Web
Peak Web
2 min.
0
1965
PHOTO: Ryan Miguel Capili / Pexels

By: Sharon Ha, SFU student

Dear ghoster, 

Decades and centuries ago, all someone could do was cut you off in-person. Now they can leave you on read, delete the message thread, block you . . . But that’s not the issue here, right? So these are some things I speculate you — the person ghosting me — might be doing behind my back, ranging from worst-case scenarios to best.

1. The cold case 
This is the ultimate worst-case situation, and if the following things continue to happen, I will consider this a wake-up call!

  • The ghosting has been going on for a considerable time, ranging from weeks to months.
  • The person ghosting does not answer other social media invitations to chat.
  • Your roommate, whom I pleaded for answers, initially pretended not to understand English. When I called them out, they told me you were either dead or had moved to a different country. This means I’m not only ghosted but have been put in a coffin — buried — and there is nary a grave marker to indicate where my poor bones have been interred. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will never see my date again.

2. The negligent boyfriend 
You’ve seen my text, you’ve been fantasizing about me, you’ve written notes worth of drafts on your iPhone 13 regarding what you’ll reply back until, in a bout of despair, you’ve come to the conclusion that I’m WAY out of your league and decided to leave things blank. And then there’s the case of the “negligent boyfriend.” Negligent boyfriends are notoriously busy — usually with games or talking to other friends — they don’t have this need to connect all the time. If this is the case, no need to worry! I’ll just work on my posture and myself — I’ve GOT this.

3. I’M ghosting YOU
Hello? I need to check my phone more, that’s all. You messaged me 30 days ago, right after I sent you a message, but I scrolled past or deleted the notification. Doubtful? Check right now. See? I was right. You are in the palm of my hand —  in fact, you’re following my social media a TON. You are down bad. Or the equivalent of being down bad for someone in a professional or friendly capacity. 

4. You’re seriously into Halloween
Not only are you more interested in watching Saw, Hereditary, Midsommar, IT, and other horror movies than speaking with me, but you’ve made your whole persona about the spooky season. Therefore, in the interest of being worthy of the word “ghosting,” you’re ignoring me and everyone else in your contact list. In this case, I’ll either do as you do — amp up the costumery and join the forces of evil with you, our “boo” — or I make a heel-face turn and find companionship with someone less . . . spooky.

Sincerely, 
The ghosted

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society