By: WatermelonToothpasteLover, SFU Student

Disclaimer: I am not an employee of any toothpaste company, nor am I one of the 10 dentists who give out toothpaste recommendations. I am just a devastated student forced to side with the enemy.

Recently, my mornings have gotten ten times worse. I wake up to my alarm, fall asleep, and repeat that process until the millionth alarm has pissed me off enough to get out of bed. I stand up and contemplate skipping class before heading to the bathroom. And there it is, sitting next to my sink. That red, blue, and white tube of mint toothpaste. I gag at the mere sight of it. It tastes vile. If I had the money, I would sue whoever decided mint would be the default flavour of toothpaste.

In short, that godforsaken teeth bleach on my tongue is like nails on a chalkboard to someone’s ears. It’s disgusting. It’s shit.

Now you may ask, “Why would you use it if you think it’s shit?” You think I want to? If I could have it my way, I would burn every single mint toothpaste factory to the ground. But no. I have to use it since I am now a full-grown adult.

“Watermelon toothpaste is for kids. You’re not a child anymore,” my mom said. “You’ll never get a girlfriend if you keep acting this way.” Joke’s on you, mom. I’ll probably never get a girlfriend anyways, regardless of how fresh my breath smells. She also said “adding sugar to your mouth defeats the purpose of toothpaste.” Tsk tsk, mother. If you had actually paid attention when shopping, the label reads “sugar-free.” All her points are invalid, and she’s dead wrong. Of course, I’d never say that to her face. I don’t want my ass to get beat.

Before anyone says my mom is right, hear me out. Watermelon toothpaste is unbeatable. Two-in-one cavity prevention? The delicious taste of fresh watermelon after a heavy summer BBQ? What more could anyone ask for? Sure, the taste of mint may be “refreshing,” but nothing hits the same as that sweet, sweet saccharin (once again, not sugar). If it’s safe for children, it’s safe for me. What does mint toothpaste have that watermelon doesn’t? Nothing.

My mom knew her talk with me was in vain. I would never voluntarily part with my watermelon goodness. So, one day, when I was in class, she swapped out my yummy watermelon with revolting mint. I almost had to call an ambulance for myself when she told me she had thrown it out. I was too shocked to cry. My one true love was gone forever.

But I’m strong. I’m brave. I’m a big boy. I can do this. I just don’t want to. Maybe gaslighting myself into thinking it’s just the frozen version of watermelon will make it better. But NOTHING will ever replace my beloved watermelon.

For the readers who are going through or have been through my situation: stay strong. I’m with you out there. We can get through this together, one step at a time. Although we may miss the old toothpaste flavour, we will eventually get used to the new one. I believe in you all.