By: Cam Darting(pseudonym), SFU Student
1) Beyoncé, who?
Just as Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce, you, too, should create an alter ego. Playing pretend lets you embody all the traits you wish you had, eventually allowing you to become the person you have always wanted to be. Beyoncé better watch out!
2) Did you eat dairy?
Feeling like everyone is watching you? I got a life hack; imagine everyone around you on the toilet having explosive diarrhea. People no longer seem as intimidating when there is an explosion in the toilet under them now, do they? Thought so. You are very welcome.
3) Sorry, no golden buzzer.
If you just embarrassed yourself outside, don’t worry about it. You fell in front of one neighbour and two indoor cats staring out the window. You could’ve made a mistake on stage in front of celebrity judges that would end up getting millions of views online. That trip of yours doesn’t seem as bad now, does it?
4) Avoid high schools
The last thing you want to do is pass a high school. All those judgy teenagers? It’s a no from me. Save yourself the trouble and avoid them at all costs!! Even better, avoid public transit from 3:00–4:00 p.m. just to be safe. That’s what I call smart thinking.
5) Aritzia = worst nightmare
Does this even need an explanation? You don’t need a group of girls with slicked-back hair bombarding you 24/7 while they publicly judge you. I get enough of that from my Asian aunties at every family dinner. Thank you, NEXT.
6) Dress like an international student
Have you ever seen an international student not decked out from head to toe? Me neither. Dressing to impress can boost your self-confidence and attract compliments. Now, this doesn’t mean you must have complete designer outfits. This simply means washing your oily hair and putting on clothes that aren’t the grey sweatpants you’ve been wearing for seven days straight.
7) Always remember the wise words of Little Mix
“Fan of myself, I’m stannin’ myself / I love me so much.” Sometimes you need to be your own cheerleader. Be as obsessed with yourself as 12-year-old you was with Justin Bieber and his hair swoosh.
8) Headphones, please
Pull out the old headphones you’ve been using for the past three years and blast some music. People will be so distracted by how crusty your headphones have become that they won’t even notice you!
9) I need a Big Mac
I have a solution if you don’t know where to eat alone: MCDONALD’S. Solo friendly, and you won’t even need to talk to anyone if you use the kiosk (while you’re there, get me a large fries, please ;]).
10) Where’s my bed?
Lastly, but certainly not least (and my personal favourite), staying home! Avoid being perceived and save your money #doublekill. The only downside is that you might need to deal with your judgy mom. Still, better her than strangers wearing Artizia sweatsuits and Lululemon crossbody bags, right?
