By: Isabella Urbani, Staff Writer
Burnaby, BC, June 12 — This just in: a new SFU survey revealed 99% of students find lectures pointless. The survey, which was sent last week from the email address “Joyless_johncena@engageonthis.com,” asked students to evaluate the benefit of lectures on a five-point Likert scale.
A subsequent email was sent to Beedie students to explain that a Likert scale is NOT a test, and they DIDN’T need to get together to compare answers. They begrudgingly agreed on the condition their lawyers could inspect the survey prior to their participation. K?
In just a mere day, all students, staff, and faculty — although students were the only ones contacted — had responded to the survey. All but one individual agreed lectures were a “waste* of time.”
*A more explicit term was used in the survey.
The Peak was able to get in touch with the sole lecture fan and made a shocking discovery in the process.
“I hit the wrong button,” the fourth-year student shared. “I usually just click on the first option for every survey SFU sends. I’ll do pretty much anything for a chance to bag some free merch. Well not anything, but you get the point. Lectures suck.”
Students don’t like to attend lectures, and teachers surely don’t want to give them, but how does the only person who has the power to do anything about them feel?
“I’m not surprised,” said president Joy Johnson about the survey’s results. “But let’s remember that it’s not just SFU. We’re probably the best of the worst. UBC? I’d like to see what their lectures look like.”
“Johnson said that?” asked one UBC student. “Yeah, maybe we’d have time to answer a survey if we actually had time to focus on anything but class material in lectures. Try Douglas.”
The Peak did in fact try Douglas College.
“No . . . no . . . no, there’s only one person per lecture,” said a Douglas student whose full response to the question was pushing the length of a Communication tutorial.
Our SFU senses tell us Douglas College was just happy that someone actually cared to ask them something. The Peak will never make that same mistake again.
While the uselessness of lectures is unanimous at SFU, no two people The Peak interviewed agreed on the identity of the “mastermind” — their words, not ours — behind the survey.
“It’s probably just a first-year who got completely rocked in exams and thinks this is their way of ‘revenge,’” said a student sitting in a kiddy pool in the middle of the AQ. “Totally amateur hour.”
“A first-year? No way,” said a student in the middle of getting a parking ticket. “They still have too much respect for the school. You’re looking at the work of a checked-out fourth-year for sure.”
“Come on now, students? No student is going to put in that level of effort for something everyone already knows,” said a 400-level Physics professor. “Off the record, if you want to find some answers, you gotta start at the top.”
To the top, we scaled.
“The school is still tracking down the IP address of the student who sent out the survey,” said the big cheese, Johnson. “Identity theft is an offensive charge. But I’ll admit, John Cena, that’s a new one.”
“It’s not like I’m advising professors to make classes as unbearing as possible so students become so apathetic they don’t put up a fight when we increase tuition. Because that . . . that would be horrible, right?”
Right.
“Well, thanks once again for agreeing to a follow-up interview, Dr. Johnson. I’ll be on my way now,” we say.
“No problem, anytime. I can assure you SFU is working diligently on the matter, and we’ll be in touch. Have a good day now!”
Finally. What’s a president got to do to get rid of these pesky students? Now where was I?
‘Sup, my SFU compadres,
New survey fresh off yet another of the school’s money grabs — the printer. Do you think Johnson is making lectures bad so we become so numb we don’t put up a fight about shelling out more money each semester?
And send. Slay.
Okay, back to doing damage control.
