By: Hannah Kazemi, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
I’ve been filling out all the surveys in my SFU inbox since I enrolled at the university four years ago. However, I have yet to win a single gift card! Is there any record of anyone winning a survey draw? I WILL be having a conversation with Joy Johnson about this. How do I mobilize the entire student body for this cause?
Sincerely,
If I Can’t Win No One Can
Dear If I Can’t Win No One Can,
The mystery of the coveted SFU Bookstore gift card is a fabled tale among students past and present. We all enter these surveys and await a response from the ether, but alas. I suggest you gather the mightiest FASS students you can find and storm JJ’s office. Demand answers! Demand justice! Demand a $20 gift card to the Bookstore that you’ll put on your desk somewhere and never use! I believe in you, If I Can’t Win No One Can.
With Reverence and Solidarity,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I think my roommate is evil, not in the serial killer sense, but in the Disney villain sense. I can’t help but hear a bit of Yzma whenever she laughs . . . And she has a cat! It’s a well-known fact that villains have cats. And she’s dating a doctor . . . That’s totally an evil scientist, right? I didn’t catch his name, but he’s giving me Dr. Doofenshmirtz vibes. What are they planning? How do I stop it?
Sincerely,
I Need A Platypus
Dear I Need A Platypus,
Oh, honey. You should have made your escape when you discovered the Yzma laugh. That chick sounds chaotically unpredictable. Personally, I think cats are the devil, and I am also allergic to them, so you should leave all that negative energy behind. I’m confident they’re scheming to eliminate you; surely, they’re planning your demise. It sounds like you need to get your booty moving and RUN! Who knows what kind of Doofenshmirtz-esque-inator they’re coming up with!
Godspeed,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Help! Many new shows have come out recently, and my friends keep telling me to watch them. I don’t want to be rude, but what can I possibly gain from “messy dating show #18262?” Do I lie about watching them and read the recaps instead? Or do I choose violence and tell them that if I wanted to observe dysfunctional relationships, I’d third-wheel with them instead?
Sincerely,
TV Snob
Dear TV Snob,
If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I am the biggest Reality TV Fan In The World™. It would be a crime to discredit dating shows for the entertainment value they bring to television! Think of The Bachelor! Love is Blind! Bachelor in Paradise! Even the biggest haters find something to love.
But with that said, obviously, Option B. Choose violence. Always.
#StayToxic,
Peakie
