By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate
1. Ctrl + S
For those of you who are tech-savvy, simply type “your resolutions” into the word processor of your choice. Did you do it? Great, now locate the “control” and “s” keys on your keyboard and press them simultaneously. Congratulations! You’ve just saved your resolutions.
2. Gaslight yourself
No, you did go on your daily 30-minute walk. Don’t you remember? You zoomed through the halls of the AQ looking for the class you definitely attended in the first few weeks of the semester. Of course that counts! You also jumped to conclusions several times today, what a fit queen.
3. Embrace your inner editor
Get out your trusty white-out, or your backspace key (if you’re too fancy for a piece of paper), and edit your resolutions to your heart’s content. After all, you can’t fail your resolutions if you constantly edit them to fit your life (or lack thereof, but who am I to judge).
4. Pretend like they never existed
What resolution? You most definitely didn’t have a resolution to do all of your readings before lecture because, let’s be honest, no one does that (and for those of you who say you do the readings, shhh! Not so loud!). Shove the memory of making your resolution deep down, just like your memories of last semester.
5. Start a petition to cancel resolutions
Assert your conveniently-timed disdain for resolutions and begin a revolution. March to the AQ and proclaim your reasons (fake reasons to hide your failure, of course) for wanting to get rid of resolutions. Claim that resolutions aren’t consistent with a growth-mindset, which you, an intellectual, possess. Get those signatures and vindication.
6. Go back in time
Set your calendar back to January 1, 2023. Boom. Life = HACKED.
7. Really listen to your resolutions
Do you really want to read 5 self-help books this year . . . OR do you actually need therapy? You should read between the lines of your resolutions instead, they may reveal what you truly need.
For example, here are my resolutions:
- Listen to Taylor Swift at least once a day
- Rewatch Gilmore Girls 13 times
- Indulge in therapy . . . retail therapy once a month
- Attempt to finish the book I’m writing
As you can see, I, too, need therapy (If you’re my therapist, Randolph, I will never admit this to your face so don’t even think about bringing it up at our next session).
8. BEDMAS
Simply make another resolution and stick to it so that your failure cancels out! People will applaud you for adhering to, and remembering, this very complicated math principle. Well, doesn’t that add up . . . not a fan of puns, I see. I’ll just subtract myself from this equation then.
9. Hide
Hiding and avoidance always solves problems, so why not hide from your failed resolution, too? Cower underneath your warm duvet and hope that your resolution doesn’t find you. At least you will be a rested queen, and there will be no consequences from centering yourself in everything!
10. Practice radical acceptance
Why do you need to save your resolution? Because you failed, obviously. That is the reality of the situation and you need to live with it, with the help of some coping mechanisms, of course (healthy ones, no doubt). Maybe you need to make SMART goals like the smart human I know you to be, and have a growth mindset instead.
