Top five ways to hide a pandemic

Shhhh!!!! It’s mild!!!

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Illustration of a doctor grinning nervously at a lectern for a press conference. BC and Canada flags to the side of the lectern. A cloud is seen behind the doctor and the cloud can have words popping out like COVID statistics and dropping masking policies
Did you tell them to be kind yet? ILLUSTRATION: Youngin Cho / The Peak

By: Michelle Young, Editor-in-Chief

COVID-19 was declared a pandemic in 2020, but we’re over it now. It’s too much hassle and we’ve decided to focus on treating each other with the very real act of kindness and washing our hands instead of tangible protocols to curb the spread of the virus. Why clean the air when it could be full of germy ‘rona particles, anyways? In order to avoid any accountability whatsoever, here is a step-by-step guide on how to hide a pandemic: 

  1. Don’t say its airborne 

COVID-19’s primary mode of transmission is through the air — you know, aerosols we breathe in and out. However, actually saying that would cause people to panic! We don’t want the general public to be properly aware of their risk because that means we’ll have to invest in high-quality masks and filtration systems. That’s unthinkable. Instead, let’s tell people to wash their hands and pretend like we can put the onus on individuals to protect themself from COVID-19. (Spoiler alert: They can’t.) 

  1. Tell people it’s “mild”

Now that COVID-19 is extremely infectious, everyone is getting sick all the time. Instead of acknowledging we are in a huge surge, let’s just call it “mild,” and leave it at that. No need to explain that “mild” can also just mean “not admitted to the hospital.” Oh, and don’t mention that hospitalizations are rising, either.   

  1. Stop collecting data

How are people supposed to believe there’s no pandemic if we collect accurate data on rising cases and death rates? Instead, we’ll change the way we watch COVID-19 cases, so we can point our fingers at the statistics and refuse to acknowledge these aren’t accurate in the first place. We are not seeing a rise in cases, we just stopped testing wink everything is fine. 

  1. Pretend like reinfections and long term consequences aren’t real 

Everyone is getting sick all the time! Which is great for immunity — something that totally holds validity despite multiple people becoming continuously infected. Yes, this theory says that once infected, you’ll be better protected . . . but no one will notice that’s not actually happening, right? Oh, and long COVID? We’ll pretend like that isn’t happening, just don’t say anything. 

  1. Completely ignore the collapse of the healthcare system 

29-hour waits at the hospital and 10-hour waits for an ambulance . . . no one is getting the care they need. People are dying, and we simply refuse to do anything about it. The ER nurses have been complaining in the news, but no one reads that anyways! If they did, they would have realized by now that our hiding-the-pandemic tactics aren’t working

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