By: Yasmin Vejs Simsek, Staff Writer

Joy Johnson is the president of Simon Fraser University. Or is she? I’ve given this a ton of thought and at this point, there is not a doubt in my mind that Joy Johnson is actually Editor-in-Chief at The Peak. 

Okay, hear me out! First of all, Joy Johnson is like the most powerful person at SFU. I bet you she has people at her beck and call to do whatever she asks. Want a 3:00 a.m. bagel? She’ll probably have it within the hour. Fancy a private whale-watching tour in pouring rain? She’s definitely got a guy on call for that. So, if she wanted to be the boss of the coolest newspaper in town, she could easily take over and completely forget about the yearly hiring process for the Editor-in-Chief. She’s. Got. The. Power.

Second of all, have you ever seen the Editor-in-Chief and Joy Johnson in the same room at the same time? No? Because they are the same person! Joy Johnson might be powerful, but she does not have magical powers and therefore can’t be two people at once. Think about that next time you are in the room with Johnson and the Editor-in-Chief of The Peak isn’t there. Suspicious? I think so.

And don’t even get me started on the amount of jokes The Peak makes about Joy Johnson or past SFU presidents. This is giving me some serious Gossip Girl vibes, where you know, Gossip Girl actually had to gossip about themselves to make sure people will never suspect it is you. And what better way to make sure people talk about you than to make sure the topic is always on you?

Speaking of which, most of the articles The Peak publishes on Joy Johnson are always poking fun of her and who better to make fun of someone, if not themselves? Self-deprecating humour, you guys! Why else would The Peak publish a humor article titled, “SFU gets rid of professors to save president’s salary,” if not to deflect from the fact that it was all true! I’m telling you, it’s all a ruse to throw us off the scent. You see? It all makes sense.

Listen, everyone here at The Peak is so confused. I have never actually met the Editor-in-Chief, the so-called Michelle Young in person. That’s OBVIOUSLY somehow an anagram for Joy Johnson. And like COVID-19 is basically over (another obvious hoax), so why are we still meeting on Zoom? We’re all vaccinated, and it’s not like COVID-19 is rapidly mutating to be more transmissible or anything. EVERYONE else is back in-person (except those people with the worst “seasonal summer colds” of their life) and yet here we are at The Peak stuck in front of our laptops. I bet she’s using a green screen because our Editor-in-Chief does not want to be found out for who she really is! We need to expose her, so please spread the word you guys. I was only able to get this piece through to the Humour editor with fairly little resistance! I wonder why . . .

Sincerely,

A desperate Staff Writer