By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
Hear me out: president Joy Johnson is actually a hologram powered with artificial intelligence. She has given clear clues from the beginning, making no effort to hide it, knowing that nobody will believe those of us observant enough to put things together. After all, why would a university need a fake president? Well, I’ll show you why . . . and how.
Who better to run a powerful institution than someone who never existed? Things will inevitably go south for SFU once we abolish capitalism, dissolve all institutions, and radicalize education (all in reach with my five year plan). Then the university will need a scapegoat for all its mistakes. Normally, it’s challenging to hold people accountable, especially when they address every injustice with a short, late email to students; however, it is much easier to hold a computer accountable by just shutting it down. Worst case scenario, we blame the computing science students just like we blame IT people for our own technological problems.
How did SFU do this? Easy: nationally, we have the second best computer vision and computer graphics publications of all universities. We also have a large artificial intelligence research group. By this point, you must know it’s possible, but I’ll give you the hard evidence to convince you.
More recently, with Johnson taking over in Fall 2020, the SFU-created pandemic was a perfect time to switch from clones to holograms. The president would never need to shake hands, nobody could come within six feet, and they wouldn’t need to fully develop facial feature movement when she always wears a mask.
Before her presidency, she authored over 180 manuscripts, which obviously means a handful of ghostwriters used Joy Johnson as a pseudonym, because no real writer actually writes that much. We just stare at blank documents and write a couple sentences every few months. More importantly, Johnson is credited with getting SFU to host “Canada’s most powerful academic supercomputer.” How much more obvious could this be?
Even her name is a clue. When you rearrange the letters in “PRESIDENT JOY JOHNSON,” you get “NOSY! I PRETEND: JY JOHNS.” The hologram calling us nosy is a warning to back off and stop trying to unravel SFU’s plot, but the admittance to pretending? That’s pure arrogance. She knows nobody will believe the chosen ones who figure it out, but I have to try to expose her.
The hologram’s real first name, Jy, abbreviation of jansky, is a unit used in radio astronomy. I’ve concluded it’s part of the calculations in making a hologram. Maybe one of you STEM students can confirm and get back to me. The last name, Johns, really riles me up. It’s so typical to use a traditionally biblical, masculine for a hologram. Why do evil scientists always wanna play god? Together, “president Joy Johnson” forming “Nosy! I pretend: Jy Johns” is a major clue. Coincidence? I think not.
Don’t be another sheep following your hologram leader. Follow me instead, and let’s expose this conspiracy and find out who’s really behind the hologram project and what their intentions are with our beloved university. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org with any information about Project Fake President. Together, we can save SFU from nefarious schemes.