By: Max Lorette, Peak Associate
Aries:
The stars have informed me that it is a good idea for you to stay inside as much as possible this week. The cosmic forecast is calling for a killer sunburn on your horizon, and God knows you haven’t been keeping up with your SPF routine. Maybe try beating your Guitar Hero high score instead of suntanning.
Taurus:
When was the last time you cleaned your bedside table, Taurus? The number of mugs, bowls, and spoons makes me very concerned. Is that mould growing in your half-empty teacup? Yuck! I promise you will feel much better after you take care of the mess. It might not declutter your overactive mind, but it also couldn’t hurt.
Gemini:
Do you feel as though you’ve been missing something from your life, my dearest Gemini? Do you feel an aching emptiness inside of you? When was the last time you saw your wallet? Or better yet, when was the last time you saw your appendix? I’m telling you, the government is totally harvesting that organ for some reason. I’m onto them. You should be, too.
Cancer:
The stars are telling me that you have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Have you tried looking under the couch? In the dryer? Perhaps in the back of your closet? Oh wait, I think I got your soulmate mixed up with that pair of socks you lost three months ago. Good luck anyway!
Leo:
Have you been looking for a new way to be the life of the party this summer? Leo, this season is all about you. Next time you get invited to hang out in a group, the stars advise you to learn how to do the worm. Trust me, it will bring your adoring crowd to their knees.
Virgo:
The stars have informed me that this upcoming week is the best time for you to change up your style! Why wait until the new year to be a whole new you? Go buy a cowboy hat! Get a pair of crocs! Go nuts!
Libra:
Nature has been calling you! You have been evading nature’s call! They’ve left, like, 10 voicemails now. You’re running out of storage! You should really call them back. Go touch some grass and hug a tree or something. Maybe go smell a flower or two. Change your phone background to some trees, maybe? I don’t know, dude, I’m just the messenger.
Scorpio:
Next time you’re invited out to a bonfire, whatever you do, DO NOT play “Wonderwall.” The forest spirits have become restless, and the stars have informed me that they are NOT Oasis fans. Instead, try mixing your setlist up with some Taylor Swift. The spirits are totally Swifties.
Sagittarius:
When was the last time you did some self-reflection? Take a good, hard look in the mirror. Remember how far you’ve come. Remember to be proud of the person you’ve grown into. You’re doing amazing. Mwah! (Also, I think you might have something in your teeth).
Capricorn:
The stars have informed me that they are incredibly disappointed that you haven’t been keeping up with your silent reading time! What, do you think because you’ve exited the public school system you can just quit silent reading? Go to a used bookstore, get the oldest looking tome you can and get back to it. The book probably isn’t cursed.
Aquarius:
Have you been feeling stuck in your music taste lately? Have you tried discovery weekly? If that doesn’t help, maybe try listening to some classical music. I’m pretty sure that blasting “O Fortuna” at full volume while you strut your stuff this summer is the vibe that the stars have in mind.
Pisces:
Take a deep breath, Pisces. Straighten up that spine, roll your shoulders back, and correct your posture. Your back literally looks like a lowercase “r” right now. Maybe it’s time to visit a chiropractor again. Crack my bones, Posture Daddy.
