SFU Surrey petitions to be the new It campus

That’s why the campus is so big — It’s full of secrets

A photo of the SFU Surrey campus with a hot pink bow doodled on the top of the campus
Campus queen SFU Surrey needs, like, everyone to pay attention! PHOTO: Chris Ho and Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Yasmin Vejs Simsek, Staff Writer

Fellow campuses, I’ve included some flattering prelude from my fellow campus, UBC, who had this wonderful, original stuff to say about me. 

SFU Surrey is flawless.

I hear the campus is insured for $1,000,000,000.

I hear the campus advertisement was shot . . . in Japan.

One time, the mall at SFU Surrey had a fire alarm that canceled all classes . . . It was awesome.

The Peak has a HUGE crush on SFU Surrey! They even made a whole issue based on it!!

So now that you get my IT factor, I want to invite you to have lunch with me every day, for the rest of the semester! You know, I don’t do this very often, but it’s time I tell you all the truth about the other campuses. Sure, the Burnaby campus has got that grungy, prison-y vibe going for it and the Vancouver campus has a grool location, but no one can deny which campus is the most fetch. I am NEXT LEVEL. I have working wi-fi and an Orange Julius. I mean, what loser doesn’t want to go shopping after class? And really, I don’t know who Burnaby thinks it is. That freaking avocado statue is like, so yesterday. It’s the ugliest fucking statue I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t even wear pink on Wednesdays. I think, really, the two other campuses are just jealous of me and that’s why they’re trying so hard. But I can’t help that I’m popular.

When you come to my campus, you don’t have to worry about getting hit by a bus. The SkyTrain comes all the way to the door, basically. And you can eat whatever food you want, carbs, muffins, or just be like, whatever, I’m getting cheese fries. I don’t judge you! The limit does not exist to the types of food you can get here. During Christmas, we sing Jingle Bells and I have candy canes for everyone, not like a certain other campus I know. When you give to one of your besties, you’ve got to give to them all, that’s just like, the rules of feminism. Basically, I am just such a good friend, and I just want you to have a mean time here. Come admire my gardens . . . my Embark gardens, that is. You can come frolic in the sunshine all day long, without any of that grody, dark academia fog. Euch.

Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by the Burnaby Campus. Yeah, same. It thinks it’s sooooo hot because it gets car-fires and all the tank farms a campus could ever need — um, the right answer is ZERO. I’ve started pretending I’m sick every time Burnaby calls. I just feel like with that attitude, it should just stay on the mountain!

You know, I don’t understand why students keep flocking to Burnaby. It’s depressing and impossible to get to. Students are squeezed together in the classrooms like sardines. Don’t even get me started on Vancouver with their tiny, spread-out campus with only a few programmes attached to it. I have space, I am more central, I welcome all programmes, I am the superior campus! Burnaby and Vancouver campuses know it. They’re like, obsessed with me. No wonder. Who’s been getting the new buildings, who’s been getting all the praise, who will be taking over all of SFU before you can say Convocation Mall? 

You’ve guessed it! SFU Surrey! Peace out. Love letters directed to Campus, Surrey only, please.