Aries:
Hey Aries, I have a secret for you. Mercury? They’re coming out of retrograde this week, and it turns out it’s all because of you! I even heard whispers from the stars that they think you’re cute. So hey, if nothing, you’ve got an interplanetary crush going for you!
Taurus:
Have you ever just wanted to let LOOSE? Just be FERAL? I have observed many versions of you, young Taurus, and I think you need to just go to the cliffside and scream-sing a sea shanty. I promise it will be healing, even if the seagulls come after you.
Gemini:
Oh my, have we entered Gemini season? You have to let everyone know, and the best way to let everyone know is to suddenly fabricate a twin. Everyone will be delighted to hang out with you and the cardboard cutout version of you! Hurray!
Cancer:
Cancer, make friends with a crow. You’ll recognize him at first sight! I can’t explain any further, but your destiny starts with you and your friendship with Reginald VII.
Leo:
Ah, yes, Leo, the stars have prophesied your many great heroics across the universes! In this one, you are to become the hero of TikTok. You rescue everyone with your fantastic dance content (and humble home cooking videos). Go forth, the world is waiting for you!
Virgo:
Have you listened to Yellow by Coldplay lately? The stars are telling me that you need to be more sentimental. Why not try your hand at writing a power ballad? I think you can do it.
Libra:
Libra, you should go up to the scales of justice and slap it silly. It’s done enough judging, don’t you think?
Scorpio:
Scorpio, the planets have aligned for you to live your dreams. Yes, you should move to New York! You would charm everyone there, and have a fabulous 10–11 season sitcom show featuring you. What do you mean it’s not your dream? Mars said so.
Sagittarius:
It’s time for people to know how geniusly curated your Spotify playlists are, Sagittarius. In every universe, your music taste is impeccable. Just don’t show them the ones you’ve made for your DnD characters. They might be a bit too sad.
Capricorn:
You know, Capricorn, for everyone talking about how serious you are, I think you have a great sense of gravitas. Try asserting to everyone that you are their father this week. I see nothing wrong with this arrangement.
Aquarius:
Aquarius. Hmm, I can’t see you very clearly. Please visit your nearest aquarium so I can divine your future next week. Stars are going home early today, sorry! I do have this sympathy coupon from Denny’s, though. Enjoy!
Pisces:
Pisces, you’ve discovered it! You’ve found the solution to Nirvana! It’s —
