By: Poopabella Fudgerton, Quiz Master

We already know that raccoons rule our campus — they roam the halls, guard the parking lots, and wait for the perfect opportunity to give you the jumpscare of your life (all while looking adorable). A raccoon showing up to lecture would be pretty interesting . . . but what if it shat during your lecture? Yes, it does indeed happen behind the scenes. Even better yet, what if we could match your personality to a specific type of raccoon shitter? Take this quiz to find out! 

1. The weekend’s over (cries internally). What are you doing the night before the dreaded Monday?
   1. 1. 1. Rubbing expired lipstick all over my pet rock (that is dressed like a raccoon).
         2. Cooking up non-awkward conversation starters. 
         3. Folding up a pool chair to bring to class in the morning. 
         4. Locked in, studying for a test that’s 12 weeks away. 
         5. Reflecting on my weekend’s shenanigans.  
2. You want to kickstart the morning of what should be a perfectly normal school day. What’s the first thing you do? 
   1. 1. 1. Make twelve things for breakfast. And then eat a quarter of it.
         2. Practice conversing with people by talking to myself in the mirror.
         3. I just do my thing (I won’t share my private details with strangers).
         4. I’m already at school. 
         5. Grab a sketchbook and people-watch on the way to school. No breakfast required.
3. You’re preparing for class. What is your pre-lecture snack?
   1. 1. 1. Something from Renaissance — dessert is the booter placed on my car by the parking patrol. 
         2. Whatever the person next to me is eating — I NEED to make friends with them!!
         3. I don’t care.  
         4. Paper.
         5. The tea on my classmate’s laptop screen (should’ve minimized iMessages if you didn’t want them to be read!) 

4. What are you doing during lecture? Be honest.

1. 1. 1. 1. 1. Planning for world domination. 
            2. Thinking about making small talk with my seat-mate.
            3. Maintaining a poker face. 
            4. Writing down EVERYTHING the prof says. Verbatim. 
            5. (Still) people-watching . . . for research purposes. 

5. If a raccoon pooped in your classroom, what would you do?

1. 1. 1. 1. 1. I already know about it. We’ve been in cahoots this whole time. 
            2. Follow the crowd and proceed to safely exit the classroom.  
            3. Meh. Whatevs — we’re all poop-filled beings, anyways. 
            4. Raccoon? I didn’t even notice. What was on the second slide —
            5. Carefully observing the feces and poking it with my pen. 

Results

Mostly A’s: The chaotic raccoon

You’re the raccoon with the IDC attitude who couldn’t care less about what others think. You’d confidently strut up to the front of the class and use the podium as a toilet during the middle of a very important midterm exam, just because you can. 

Mostly B’s: The nervous raccoon

You’re the raccoon who just wants to fit in, and overthinks every social interaction. Pooping in the classroom almost guarantees social ruin, so you try to make a run for it, but then leave a trail of poop behind in your attempt to escape. Oh dear . . . 

Mostly C’s: The nonchalant raccoon

You’re the raccoon who tries to be cool and mysterious, even when it comes to your pooping business. You leave your mark in the corner of the classroom and try to make a calm, unnoticeable exit — which would’ve worked if only the awful smell didn’t give you away. 

Mostly D’s: The studious raccoon 

You’re the raccoon who attends lectures because you like learning . . . or crave academic validation. As powerful as you are, nature got the better of you. You don’t even notice the poop plopping down your ankles because you were paying too much attention to the human professor.

Mostly E’s: The wallflower raccoon

You’re the raccoon who attends lectures to better understand humans because you’re curious about these strange, yet fascinating, creatures. To avoid drawing attention to yourself, you hold it in until everyone leaves. Then splat.