By: A concerned ecologist

Look, I get it.

You’ve had the whole lockdown to work on your “glow up,” and now that vaccines are rolling out and restrictions are easing, you’re diving headfirst into your “Hot Girl Summer.” But now it’s almost 40 fucking degrees, and the sun doesn’t set until nearly 9:30. I’m begging you; please stop.

I have work early tomorrow morning, and I need to sleep, but all I can do is lie here in despair as I bake in these temperatures and curse the wakeful sunlight. Surely I’m not alone in my suffering. The lower mainland is a densely populated area, and all of us are recommended seven or more hours of sleep per night — which is very hard to do when you keep cranking up the heat like that. You’ve perfected your smolder, and it’s melting us and our thermometers alike.

I agree, your style is fantastic. Those bold choices of cut and colour, the way you’ve decided to wear your hair, and those new pieces of jewelry— stunning! All of them! You’re glowing bright enough to put the sun to shame, and it’s a gigantic problem. Just yesterday I saw a sunflower blooming in June! This is not supposed to happen for another month. You’re throwing the ecosystem way off. Think of the impact this will have on nature. It’ll be chaos. There’ll be an excess of flowers, the bugs won’t know what to do, and the bees will probably make too much honey.

These temperatures are way too hot, and we are simply not prepared to deal with it. It’ll be like the forest fire season of a few years ago, but with smoky eyeliner instead of actual smoke clogging the air. Just a disaster, overall. Next thing you know, you’ll be drawing in hunky firefighters from all over the province, all very concerned about forest safety. And what a conundrum that will cause! The shortage of available firefighters will throw the calendar industry into complete disarray, and they may even need to resort to publishing lewd photos from the firefighters’ neglected counterparts; paramedics. Sexy paramedic calendars. Charming, I’m sure, but it doesn’t quite hit the same.

I understand how difficult lockdown has been, and how excited we may all be to really own our place in the world, but please— think of the consequences. We’ve already lost the frosted tips to this heat, and I fear for what’s next.