By: Marco Ovies and Paige Riding

Dear SFU,

I am writing to [verb] about [one of the many problems with SFU that shouldn’t be happening at a multi billion-dollar institution].

I am a [your major] in my [number of years you’ve attended SFU. I know this hurts to write sometimes. I’m sorry] and I am very [negative emotion] about this. 

My personal [sensitive, personal belonging of yours] may have been sent out to the world because of SFU’s [negative adjective (there appears to be a lot of those associated with SFU at this point so take your pick)] security protocols. Further, I worry that the university’s unwillingness to handle the [any typical concern that students have been demanding be addressed for years] shows the university’s unwillingness to [verb that would imply that the university’s administration makes any active efforts to act on behalf of the students they represent] and this makes me wonder if [a different university name] may not have been that bad of a choice after all.

I would appreciate it if SFU would [what would you have liked SFU to have done?]. I pay [absurd amount of tuition, exaggerate here if you must but something tells me that you will not feel the need to do so] and demand [compensation you would like, you can write anything here because you won’t get it anyways]. 

This has negatively affected my [choose all that apply: mental, physical, emotional, financial] health and now I can no longer feed my [choose either a passion of yours and/or an organism under your care, can include yourself] nor can I see a photo of [name of supposedly beloved SFU entity] without feeling physically nauseous.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon and I hope you have a [negative adverb, preferably a curse word] day.

[Adverb ending in ly],

[It doesn’t matter what name you write here, there’s no way anyone will read this far anyways]