Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
- How old are you?
a) Baby
b) Bewildered
- How susceptible are you to peer pressure?
a) Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond . . .
b) I communicate boundaries in a healthy way and arrive at mutually beneficial compromises
- Your first thought when someone doesn’t answer your text, call, or message right away?
a) “I guess this flame emoji is just the funeral pyre for this relationship, sorry for drowning what we had, I guess”
b) Thoughts are from Satan
- Would you say you read really deeply into your interactions with others?
a) I spent last Thursday looking for a floor-length black veil for my Bitmoji
b) I certainly don’t read The Peak very deeply, so . . .
- You receive a Snapchat from your crush, but it’s 1 a.m. and you look like Wobbuffet! What do you do?
a) Shyly cover my phone camera and send a snap of pure darkness captioned with my flirtiest response: a coloured line drawn across the screen.
b) I am asleep and ignore it. If there’s one thing Wobbuffet’s good at, it’s blithely reflecting damage back at the offender.
If you answered mostly “a”: you have a Snap Streak!
Congratulations! You have no faith in the permanency of relationships. Distrustful of the immaterial and emotional, you look to cuff your friends and lovers with the social obligation attached to the number on a screen. Enjoy.
If you answered mostly “b”: you respect yourself! (In theory.)
Congratulations! You can live your life without empty photos of your friends’ ceilings. Emotional independence is so key. The bad news? Well . . . maybe you don’t not respect yourself . . . but you might not really respect yourself yet either. I mean, respect is earned. And what have you really accomplished, besides abstain from one function of an app that still pulls in millions in revenue, with or without you? Chin up, though, and keep working at it.
