Written by Rodolfo Boskovic, Peak Associate
Taking care of yourself can be a struggle once you’ve moved out, and there’s a lot to learn about how to manage your new household. Just look at your kitchen: it’s shocking how many different ways there are to clean a cast-iron pan! However, there’s one undersung staple of adulthood that everyone should be keeping in their drawer: a good old well-maintained cast-iron excuse.
Excuses, valid or not, make for the perfect interactions. Nobody wants to hear their loved ones nagging at them about their shortcomings every half-hour! The truth may set you free, but it might just need a little elbow grease to really give you the results you want. Here, we’re going to teach you how to clean and season your cast-iron excuses.
We’ll walk you through it step-by-step, using some of our latest cutting-edge products — three different excuses for why you won’t talk to your family on Zoom. With our help, you’ll be cooking up the best deceptions ever, keeping your relatives healthy, happy, and off your back.
Can the truth do that? Didn’t think so.
EXCUSE #1: “Sorry, my Wi-Fi sucks.”
Maybe you’ve become comfortable — too comfortable — using this reliable excuse to end all sorts of calls over the years. Well, with our technique, you’ll be taking this worn-out excuse and sparking some new life in that sucker!
Here’s what you’ll need:
- 1–2 tech-illiterate parents
- 2 old-school emoticons
- 1 flexible conscience
Wait for the next time your (1–2) parent(s) try to Zoom you. Grab (1) cell phone outta your pocket. Carefully apply that flexible moral conscience of yours, and text “internet is down 🙁 </3“ right back at them. You’ll be cracking their heart(s) right on the spot, but it won’t look like your fault at all!
Worried you only have tech-savvy parents sitting in the fridge? Don’t worry, honey! Lean back and use . . .
EXCUSE #2: “Sorry, my roommate sucks.”
If you’re going to university, chances are good you can’t afford BC house prices without at least one roommate somewhere in your pantry. But this excuse is challenging to properly prep.
Luckily, all you’ll need for this one is:
- 1 roommate whose drama seems impossible to solve
- 1 incredibly creative mind
Maybe your roommate was dumped. Maybe they were fired. Maybe they fell on a knife after not doing their dishes one too many times. Maybe they had it coming.
Whatever might be the case, rub your roommate’s current bundle of life crises harshly over your excuse, until it’s squeaky clean of any personal accountability. Use up all of that sucker you can spare! Be sure to make it really clear how much your roommate’s problems are affecting you. Then, rub that excuse in your family’s faces until they’re squeaky clean of any annoyance! Presto: no Zoom calls this week, either.
EXCUSE #3: “Sorry, moving sucks!”
This excuse is the trickiest to cook with, but ironically, it is perhaps the truest to life. After all, your Wi-Fi won’t be “down” forever, and the police might soon come asking after your roommate who “tripped”. Here’s how to get around that: Run away.
You’ll need:
- 1 dissociative talent
- 1 ransom note
- 1 tsp of blood
Prepping this excuse is simple. Take a dry ransom note, then smear just a teaspoon of your blood on it to properly fake a kidnapping. And you know what? Don’t even bother actually explaining anything to your parents. Just move away for a lifetime and your life will be sparkling new in no time.
With this refurbished excuse, Zoom’s promise of “delivering happiness” can be true at last.
