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CONFESSIONALS: I’m a resume template harlot

Humour

I lost my virginity to a “references available upon request”

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ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang /The Peak

Written by Dominic Wildebee, SFU Student

I’ve had my back blown out by three different resume templates in the past week.

I know you’re sitting, judging me, prudes of SFU. But my career-bent promiscuity is the norm for those of us who actually work to build futures for ourselves. Better to eat ass than be a bottom-feeder, I say.

I’d been dating my first template since 2015; my high school sweetheart, if you will. For the first year, the hookups were intimate, simply outstanding. My skin was clear. Sweetheart’s font never looked more Times New Roman. I was hired three different times.

Then we didn’t touch one another for four years. 

I found myself looking for new side hustles last March, and I wondered why it wasn’t working out. It might’ve had to do with my tendency to skip out on 90% of the job openings I saw, because they looked boring or the building was too humid or I felt like I was smarter than the manager. But mostly, I blamed Sweetheart, who after these long years no longer knew anything accurate about me or about what I liked. 

In the end, I met Student Oriented Resume Template on a Thursday, as I typed feverishly away on Craigslist.com. I had just been greatly excited to finally hear back from a prospective employer, only to draw back from the precipice as I realized that he was just a Sauder School of Business student running a pizza-fueled multi-level-marketing scheme. I needed a way out of this never-ending job hunt and I needed it now. 

I was desperate to find something, and Student Oriented Resume Template gave me hope, quirky purple accent bars, cute headers, and also some serious head. 

Months later, Student Oriented Resume Template began to bore me, so I moved on to the lascivious advances of Pacific Resume Template, who also bored me, but at least that template sounded pretty. I bounced around for a bit between the siblings, Bold Resume Template and Managerial Resume Template, but that just felt like hollow pleasure, as we all knew I was neither bold nor managerial. 

Today, I woke up nestled between Diamond, Minimo Style, and Enfold. It felt peaceful to wrap my arms and legs around Enfold, the resume template tailored to detailing my years of pointless, soul-absorbing customer service. 

I really am at peace with my resume slatternity, SFU. And as Chronological Classic Resume Format and I discreetly toy with one another instead of paying attention in lecture, I know that someday the jobs my resumes keep doing on me will lead to an actual, paying job — maybe.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society