Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

All questions submitted by SFU students!

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Dear Peakie,

Despite feeling lonely, I have an independent streak that drives me away from most relationships. But it sounds nice to be in one, and I feel like this is the time in my life to experiment with these things, so how do I get out of my comfort zone?

Thanks,

(Not) Hopelessly in Love.

Hi (Not) Hopelessly in Love,

I think you’re trying to join a cult. They love people who have been driven away from all their other relationships; they sound nice to be in; and they might experiment on you a little once you’ve spent enough time with them, if you’re feeling a little adventurous. You will certainly be out of your comfort zone once you’ve been cut off from all your previous friends and family and been manipulated into donating away your savings. 

However, I would really strongly urge you against this course of action, (Not) Hopelessly in Love. “Clingy” is just not you want out of a first relationship. I think you need to do some soul-searching to make sure that you are not, in fact, pining after a cult, and then you can come back for love advice next week, when you have healthier priorities. 

Love, Peakie

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Dear Peakie,

How do I stop eating every donut I see on sight even though I’m totally allergic to gluten and know I will suffer later?

Sincerely, 

MC.

Hi MC,

Simply gouge your own eyes out. You can’t eat every doughnut you see if you can’t actually see. You won’t suffer later because the suffering will happen now. And your gluten-allergic self will never look at you judgingly through a mirror again. It’s your destiny: Oedipus Rex walked so that you could run. 

Love, Peakie

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Dear Peakie,

Like most university students, I’m a $9 wine bottle kind of gal. Ask the regular closing manager of the Cornerstone liquor store — he knows. However I got kind of trashed at a New Year’s Eve party and accidentally drank wine from a pretty boy’s $12 wine bottle. It was basically the nectar of the gods, undeniably out-of-this-world delicious . . . but instead of burning through my mortal flesh, I’m afraid that this high-priced wine is going to burn through my wallet. That being said, I can’t stop thinking about it. How do I curtail this new thirst that is out of my budget?

Sincerely,

Already Busted My Semester Budget

Hi, Already Busted My Semester Budget,

I know exactly why this happened: when you live in Vancouver, you don’t talk to pretty boys until you make at least $80,000 a year. You just don’t. But, thoughtless and penniless, you did. Now, like a tragic Greek hero, you’re paying up on your hubris. 

Normally I would ask if you had considered just not being poor. But if you’re choosing to ask for advice from an underfunded and affectionately incompetent student newspaper, then clearly the proletarian psychology is too deeply bred into your bones for you to express any form of self-worth. 

So, my advice to you is to bring your next $12 wine bottle to a party for a game of Truth or Dare. Inevitably you’ll be asked to do something disgusting, like drink your alcohol through the fabric of your crush’s dirty Nike sock. Then you’ll be too grossed out by wine and boys to spend any money on them. It’s what they, and you, deserve.

Love, Peakie

Got any life questions you think Peakie might be able to solve for you? Send your conundrums to [email protected].