By: Aaron Richardson
Many modern Canadian historians have been spending time critically analyzing the country’s behaviour over the last couple of years. Their work has helped develop the theory that Canada has finally left her teenage years, and is now entering her early 20s.
“We’re looking forward to some exciting times ahead,” said Gilbert Otta, one of the leading historians behind this controversial theory. “This is the time when a country will really come into its own and find itself. Until now, Canada has been subsisting on a pretty scarce personality, with hockey, maple syrup, and not being American making up the majority of Canada’s personality.”
Canada had a rough time in her teenage years, making her fair share of mistakes. Among the most prominent was the tragedy of residential schools. But now she’s at an age where she can start to put all that behind her. She plans to do everything she can to ignore the continuing repercussions that her past self’s actions have on our society, and pretend like they never even happened. If there is one thing she’s good at, it’s pretending racism doesn’t exist.
Historians first began speculating about this theory when Canada began her relationship with local Hot Dude, Justin Trudeau. After a long-term relationship with the human equivalent of an old wrinkly hot water bottle, Stephen Harper, Canada went on the rebound with the hottest dude she could find.
Since that time, the theory has received even greater support. The NDP finally electing the first non-white dude, Jagmeet Singh, shows that Canada is finally ready to try new things.
“The legalization of marijuana was a dead giveaway,” said Otta. “There’s nothing like experimenting with drugs to show that [the country has] reached college age.”
As expected with any rebound boyfriend, the country’s relationship with Trudeau has recently fallen on some hard times. While at first Trudeau made it seem like he would work towards giving Canada her fair say in their relationship, he quickly decided that he and his staff knew what was best. But the breaking point between Canada and Trudeau came when he decided to build a pipeline in her backyard. “It’s not that he plans to build it that bothers me,” said Canada. “It’s that he didn’t care what I had to say. It seems like he just doesn’t listen sometimes, you know? All I want is enough respect for him to consult me. Is that too much to ask?” This was the last straw for Canada, and it has made her question the long-term potential of this relationship.
Experts are still unsure what kind of relationship Canada will pursue next. Some believe that Canada will return to the safety she felt with Harper by dating the human equivalent of a younger and less wrinkly hot water bottle, Andrew Sheer. Others believe that Trudeau deserves a second chance. Regardless, the coming times seem to be very promising, and experts are keeping their eye open for behaviour that may indicate that Canada is finally developing a personality of her own.
