By: Aaron Richardson
As the summer slowly approaches here in Vancouver, tourists will start flooding the streets like the parasites they are. Every year, they come here for the summer to experience the weather, the food, and the unfounded feeling of superiority that they get just by being here. Now that tourists have started arriving, the city has begun its yearly tradition of futilely trying to convince them that Vancouver’s biggest attractions are actually worth the effort they take to experience.
Grouse Grind:
One of the many attractions Vancouver consistently attempts to promote is the Grouse Grind. Climbing the Grouse Grind — an activity known by the locals as ‘Grinding’ — is a two-to-four hour hike up Grouse Mountain just at the northern edge of Vancouver. This term should not to be confused with its sexual counterpart: ‘Grinding.’ This is when sexually inexperienced teenagers manage to convince themselves that rubbing their genitals together is a legitimate substitute for sex. While both forms of Grinding are undeniably different, they have both been described by users as “useless, time-consuming, and sexually frustrating.”
While the city’s official statement is that the Grouse Grind is “a beautiful and scenic adventure through one of Vancouver’s most beautiful trails,” many locals consistently describe it as “just a bunch of fucking stairs.” Often, while Grinding, tourists will look around at the ‘beauty of nature’ and wonder when exactly the fun is supposed to begin. They’ll get to the top of the stairs thinking that it was just preparing them for the great time they were about to have, only to realize that these “great times,” like the long lost days of their youth, were already behind them and never coming back.
This kind of criticism is difficult for the city to ignore. Yet, as always, it tries its hardest. While Grinding may not be worth the time, it’s important to set your standards low for the rest of the tour of Vancouver. Plus, admittedly, the view is actually pretty nice . . . so there’s that.
Steam Clock: Keep your eyes peeled for the Vancouver Steam Clock. Tourists walking the streets of Gastown will frequently look out for the famous Vancouver Steam Clock, only to notice that it was right in front of them the whole time, as annoying as it is unimpressive.
The Art Gallery, Science World, the Aquarium, and Playland: These attractions — aside from being worthwhile in their own right — are great representations of Vancouver themselves. They are beautiful, interesting, and even thought-provoking places that are ruined by the omnipresent haze of pot smoke, the incessant shouting of dozens of screaming children, and the pain of being surrounded by fish, fish, and . . . guess what . . . more fish.
Richmond Night Market: After a long day of visiting these locations, it’s best to stop by the Richmond Night Market. It’s a great place to spend an evening that — like Vancouver — is filled with delicious food whose names white people are too afraid to try pronouncing.
Capilano Suspension Bridge: This is a great place to end your trip in Vancouver. Upon arriving at the Capilano Suspension bridge, tourists are often dumbfounded by its unexpected beauty and elegance. After the confusing and frustrating effort of trying to enjoy Vancouver’s most popular tourist attractions, you’ll be typically unprepared for the oddly pleasant experience at the bridge. While still not worth the price, this pleasant experience will end your trip on a high note and will serve to convince you that your time here was actually worth while.
Admittedly, as with most Vancouverites, I haven’t actually visited any of these places myself. I live in Coquitlam, and just went off what my cousin told me last year when he visited. What am I gonna do, go out and take the hour and a half transit into Vancouver for a fucking steam clock? Don’t be ridiculous.
