By: Victoria Lopatka

Conspiracy Theory #1: Graduation doesn’t exist

For real, though, do you personally know anyone that’s ever graduated from SFU? I don’t mean a friend of a friend or your mom’s friend’s daughter, I mean someone you actually know.

“But what about the people we see in their graduation gowns and caps? In the grad photographs?” Actors and Photoshop, I say! In reality, SFU, with shitty enrollment dates and grading curves that never work in your favour, is too difficult to graduate from. But they want you to think that you will, so you’ll continue paying ridiculous amounts of money to try.

Conspiracy Theory #2: Construction at SFU is apocalypse preparation

I’ve been at SFU for two years now, and ever since I’ve set foot on campus I’ve noticed that there’s always construction going on. You walk into the AQ – construction! You walk past the Reflecting Pond – they’re building something! Walk into West Mall – what’s with all the loud machinery sounds?

Despite this constant construction, I’ve never actually seen a new building, walkway or statue created. So, does SFU just like wasting money on irrelevant projects? Maybe. More likely, though: SFU is creating safe spaces and underground bunkers for the most important staff, alumni, and administrative figures to hide in when the apocalypse comes.

Conspiracy Theory #3: Horrible snow day procedure is SFU’s natural selection

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being stuck on Burnaby campus on a snow day, this one may resonate with you. On snow days, students who transit are often left with no bus to take them down the mountain, and those with cars get to inch down the icy, steep road. Some students choose to make the nearly one-hour trek down the snowy mountain, risking slipping and falling.

It seems as if SFU simply leaves students to problem-solve and get down however they can … or risk not getting down at all. Students who match SFU’s expectations – clever, determined, and/or physically fit – can probably survive, leaving the others to freeze or fall.

Conspiracy Theory #4: They don’t want you to leave…

Shortly after I first moved into residence at SFU, I was showing a friend of mine around campus. Afterwards, she remarked, “Wow, you pretty much never have to leave, huh? Everything is right here for you.” She was right. You can get a prescription, you can get groceries, you can get a haircut, and you can get some beer, all without leaving campus.

Then, if you finally decide you want to leave, you’ll wait 10–30 minutes for a bus, then take one bus, walk, get on the Skytrain, and finally, an hour later, arrive at the closest possible useful destination off campus. It’s almost like SFU is trying to ensure students don’t leave and spend all their money on the mountain…

Conspiracy Theory #5: The blue triangle

If you walk past the Reflecting Pond, between the Avocado/Egg and the Terry Fox statue, hidden behind a thin patch of trees, you’ll find a blue triangle. Officially called “Energy Alignment Sculpture: Pyramid in the Golden Section”, it was installed at SFU in 1977. Since its initial installment, students have debated the “power” the triangle holds.

Rumour has it, if you sit within the pyramid, it’ll grant you energy, smartness, and erasers that will actually erase your initial incorrect answers on Scantrons completely. I decided to test this out myself, and sat within the pyramid. Unfortunately, I wasn’t seated directly under the peak, but instead a little to the left. Honestly, everything has been a-little-left-of-good since then.